The Revenge of Tattoo SWAT

Dave: The glorious testicle dragon shows that she is a lover of the arts, but the assortment of pink tesseracts signify her love of science. I do believe we've found the perfect woman.

Zack: She looks like the sort of lady you'd want to keep away from your elm tree's root system.

Zack: "I didn't pay Orken good money to put tattoos and wigs on these fuckers!"

Dave: But can't you see that concealed within this tubular, grublike frame burns the soul of a wiccan love-goddess?

Zack: I bet those tesseracts were horrible to tattoo. "Uh, lady, I'm trying to render a four-dimensional object and your back keeps wiggling around."

Dave: The geometric shapes represent order and symmetry, but the dragon's wicked nards represent chaos and fragrant, pillowy sex.

Zack: Alright, I'm going to name some objects and you give me the odds of whether or not they are in this lady's house.

Dave: Sure, let's do this.

Zack: A D&D Monster Manual.

Dave: Yeah, but it's 2nd edition. 3rd and beyond are way too dumbed down. You'll pry her THAC0 out of her cold, dead folds.

Zack: A well-used dreamcatcher.

Dave: Yeah. If you shake it, images of Harry Potter having sex with Edward Cullen trickle out.

Zack: A drawing of an angel done in anime style.

Dave: Nah, I think she's more old-school fantasy than that. I bet she has a whole book about how "angel" myths are actually alien and/or dragon sightings, though.

Zack: A box of art supplies (pencils, pens, etc) covered in stickers.

Dave: Totally, and there's a shitload of yarn in there, too.

Zack: Okay, last one: a thong.

Dave: Does "lost inside her body" count as "in her house"?

Zack: Every day except when she has to go out to deposit her SSI check she receives for her "chronic fatigue."

Dave: My turn: that picture of David Duchovny with the teacup over his junk.

Zack: Nah, she was always into the Lone Gunmen.

Dave: A really obese cat.

Zack: No, but only because it recently died from diabetes.

Dave: A skinny blonde guy with a ponytail who is technically her common-law husband but she prefers to call him her asexual lifemate.

Zack: No, but on a technicality. Her state doesn't recognize common-law marriages.

Zack: Give me one more.

Dave: A lingering odor of mothballs, old books, cat pee, garbage and body soil.

Zack: No again! But only because she's spent the past week cleaning and even uninstalled WoW so that she can get her kids back from the state.