These bad tattoos aren't a tribal above an obese girl's butt crack or a blurry bar code on a hipster's wrist. These are tattoos so bad they will make you question this ancient art of using crude drawings to represent childhood sexual abuse and uncontrolled hormonal aggression.

Zack: Everyone has the occasional bad fashion idea. A select few have those bad ideas almost constantly, but only the elite among them take that final step and permanently disfigure their body with their poor judgment.

Dave: It seems like people would do a little basic research before putting a tattoo on their body forever. It seems like they'd check out the artist to make sure there's a basic level of competence, or do a spell-check on their tattoo to avoid looking like a hasty illiterate forever. Then again, it also SEEMS like people wouldn't drown in two-inch puddles of standing water, but that's exactly how Jeff Goldblum died. You just never know.

Zack: I heard the Chinese characters on the back of Jeff Goldblum's neck spell out AMAZING DICKFART. Which is exactly what he wanted.

Dave: I really admire this guy's commitment to black nationalist politics.

Zack: "Yeah, I'd like a big black panther on my back, just looking out. No, mossier. Make it mossier. No, mossier still. I need it mossier looking, dude. Especially that one giant leg. Are you hearing me?"

Dave: Almost kind of a pleading look on the panther, as if he's asking you to pull the thorn from his paw that's causing his crippling case of acromegaly.

Zack: Ignoring the giant panther - a nearly impossible task - this guy's back is what it looks like on the floor when I move my fridge. Maybe add a cat toy and a couple stray Cheez-Its.

Dave: Maybe he has an outline of a panther tattooed on his back and the rest is just the bits he doesn't shave.

Zack: You know what they say about cats. When they fall they always land on their one giant foot.

Dave: I guess the artist was going for a realistic perspective thing here with the foreshortening and whatnot, but instead he just sentenced this guy to a lifetime of answering "what's with the big leg" queries.

Dave: "No, you see, it's moving its foot toward the observer, making it appear somewhat larg-- oh, fuck it, it's half elephant."

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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