The 2000 Awful Awards

Welcome to the first annual edition of the Awful Awards. In case you've been out of town for a while and haven't had access to a calendar which not only shows semi-nude beach lesbians but ALSO displays the date, the end of the year is rapidly approaching us. As a result, I have taken it upon myself to start up the annual Awful Awards, which will profile the worst and best of whatever categories I can write about before passing out in a haze of liquor and stupidity. I now present to you the Awful Awards for Computer Gaming, the first installment of this year's Awful Awards, and, judging by how much I've had to drink tonight, the last.

BEST GAMES OF 2000

#1: Deus Ex

This Game Taught Us:

Any problem can be solved by either blowing something up, stacking boxes, or crawling through an air vent. Really complicated problems require using all three tactics.
Top secret spies working for a covert governmental agency that controls the entire world can be given nuclear rocket launchers but not silent shoes that aren't composed of solid titanium and don't alert enemies over 50 miles away.
Karma does in fact exist and used this game to balance out Ion Storm's catastrophic failure Daikatana.
Eating 20 consecutive bags of chips can heal up shotgun blasts to the face.
Evil people are paranoid of dying from asphyxiation. As a result, all of their air ducts are large enough to house a pregnant elephant.
The Unreal engine can be used for something more than rendering concrete alleyways to deathmatch in. For example, it can render concrete alleyways to crouch and hide in.
The Russians are still our enemies.

Did You Know... John Romero has been the brunt of over 578,201,377 jokes while Warren Spector has only been involved in one (which was questioning his sexuality for hanging around John Romero)?

#2: No One Lives Forever

This Game Taught Us:

Jason Hall used up all of his "suckiness" quota with all previous Lithtech games and was forced to actually create an enjoyable game with this title. Luckily, the upcoming Tex Atomic's Super Nuclear Underwater Cyborg Gyroscope Football Arena Tournament Battle Robot Ultra Hair Salon looks to pick up where the previous crappiness left off.
Enemy organizations spend billions of dollars hiring henchmen but not a single dime towards creating distinctive uniforms for their soldiers.
The key to being the world's greatest spy involves wearing lots of skintight neon clothing which is somehow able to reflect bullets yet blend in to the shadows. Technical skills include both being able to hold a gun and open doors.
Enemy organizations don't believe in hiring a skilled HR department. That's why you'll frequently see intelligence items and top secret photos resting in bathrooms and kitchen sinks throughout their headquarters.

Did You Know... there are people other than Jason Hall who work for Lithtech, but I'll be damned if I can think of any of their names offhand. Maybe somebody named "Brian (something)" I think.

#3: Diablo II

This Game Taught Us:

Blizzard can do no wrong... especially if they stick to the same formula and repeat it over and over and over again.
Gameplay can be really exciting... especially if it involves clicking one mouse button over and over and over again.
Weapons and items can be incredibly creative... especially if they're just like the same weapons and items you saw over and over and over again in the first game.

Did You Know... Diablo II sold over 198 trillion copies, and even more if you include sales to non-Asians?