How to Win at Starcraft

can easily become:

(note: the nonsensical word "GROUTY" was thrown in to add a touch of "realism" to the sentence)

Part 2: During-Game

At the start of the game, immediately tell your ally to rush. As we all know, rushing means you have "L33t haxor skillz" and your penis is larger than most other males. If you realize your ally is a newbie or someone of lesser skill, feel free to chastise him for it; he won't get better at Starcraft unless someone tells him how much he sucks. On the other hand, if your opponents are newbies, feel free to make fun of them as well. Since you are a better player, God loves you more and you will take the throne as the next king of the world.

Since you are most likely playing "Big Game Hunters" (which by the way, is much better than regular "Hunters" because the fact that it has only has one choke and unlimited money makes it a military strategists dream come true), it might be best to seal yourself in and go straight for Carriers or Battle Cruisers, depending on your race. Completely ignore worthless units like the Templar, Ghosts, and Defilers (since no one uses them, they're obviously the worst unit in the game). They have no function other than taking up valuable Vespene Gas that should be spent on the more effective Carriers and Cruisers.

The ultimate humiliation: taking your miners and using them to destroy the enemies' last remaining building.

Make mass units of one type, like Hydras, Dragoons, or Marines. Making more than one type of attack unit causes your computer to take longer processing what's going on, allow you to die easier.

Never expand. This is the best strategy for the top players. Maps like BGH take advantage of this well-known recipe for success by giving you unlimited resources. If your partner wants to expand, try to dissuade him from doing so. If he insists, un-ally him and kill him since he is ruining one of the foundations of Starcraft.

Part 3: Post-Game

After you win, make sure your opponent knows you were victorious, since sometimes players don't realize who won or lost. Telling him how badly you won or how crappy he is will make you a better person too. After all, if a game like Starcraft can't predict how great a person you are, what in the world possibly can? Make sure to use obscenities and references to the other player's mothers when you are telling them how perfect you are as well. These are the calling cards of winners, my friends. By the time you are done thoroughly humiliating your opponent(s), the whole Starcraft community and Blizzard themselves will reward you with monetary prizes and porn of Kerrigan (before AND after she turned into a Zerg).

I hope this guide has helped all you fledgling wannabe's out there. It was exhaustively researched and cost the lives of millions of Koreans. Keep your head up and reach for the stars!