How to Build Your Own PC

STEP 3: Combine all those things you bought to somehow form a computer.

Now we've reached the point where the fun begins, assuming your definition of "fun" is "the complete opposite of fun." This is a very complex, precarious process requiring a steady hand, as every move could be your last, particularly if you are submerged in wet concrete. Do not deviate from the following instructions or else your PC might turn into a POS (point of sale)!

Example of an ideal work area.1. Prepare your work area. Computers are very finicky, temperamental creatures, much like women except they cannot file restraining orders. Ensure your work area is free from things that may damage your electronics such as static electricity, water, lava, drunk drivers, and IEDs. Wear an anti-static wrist strap to trick all your body's stupid electrons into going somewhere else, like the Bermuda Triangle. Place your PC components on a clean surface resistant to power surges, such as a giant rubber quilt or a fallen tree. Avoid assembling your computer in unsafe / unpredictable environments, including whitewater river rafts and hell.

2. Install the power supply. The PSU should slide into place somewhere inside the computer case, usually towards the rear of it. Tighten its four screws, thus creating an eternal bond between the power supply and your case, one which can only be broken by the galaxy's most powerful wizard. If you completed this process properly, there should now be a repulsive mess of electronic dreadlocks blocking your access to everything inside.

3. Install the CPU and RAM onto the motherboard. It is best to perform this step before shoving your motherboard inside the computer case, unless you're telekinetic or have skinny fingers the length of tomato stakes. Pop open the CPU mounting bracket, remove the gray plastic fake CPU, and gently place the real CPU inside. Don't bend any of the CPU's pins or else your computer may act erratically and emit burping sounds every time you press a key. Apply a thin squirt of thermal paste to the top of the CPU. No matter how much you use, it will always be the incorrect amount, so don't sweat it. Smush your CPU cooler on top and bolt it down using its needlessly cumbersome brackets. Finally, install the RAM by cramming it into the RAM holes. Don't be afraid to use pneumatic power tools.

4. Install the motherboard into your computer case. The interior panel of your case has several hundred tiny holes, which should be plugged by copper spacers. These prevent your motherboard from contacting your case, which would create a tear in the fabric of space and time, thus voiding the motherboard's warranty. Now connect the big fat wide block of wires from your PSU into the only place it can go, as well as the small fat wide block of wires. Oh yeah and shove all the tiny wires from your case into the poorly marked pins on the bottom right. These wires provide the most popular service of your computer: rebooting.

A typical PSU.5. Install the hard drives. A majority of hard drives these days are SATA 3.0, which require you to connect cables with a couple awkward L-shaped Tetris-block ports. If your hard drive lacks a L-shaped power connection and instead features a larger, four-pin junction, then congratulations: you're poor and your computer will be a piece of shit.

5. Attach all your other cards and junk. Modern video cards require a direct connection to the power supply, which is often a fun and exciting task to accomplish since the average card is longer than a Chevy Camaro. Stick everything else into any remaining PCI, PCIe, PCIe 2.0, PCIe x1, PCIe x-men, and PCAEIOU slots. Don't worry about the placement; if you installed it improperly, you won't catch fire and die. You will just die.

Whew, what a chore! Don't bother attaching the side panel of your case; this makes it easier to kick the guts of your computer when it fails to boot for the next several days.