Cybernator

Astronauts can watch her belly dance from low orbit.Afterwards, McCord says he's still going to take matters into his own hands, so Blue decides she wants to come along with him. Either she's incredibly persuasive or McCord doesn't particularly like her, because this is basically the extent of the conversation:

Blue: "I'm going with you."
McCord: "No way, it's too dangerous."
Blue: "I mean it! You're going to need help!"
McCord: "OK."

The two of them get dressed and drive to a random office building, where they break into a random room and look through a random file cabinet. Incredibly, the file cabinet happens to contain files about all of the cybernators, and while McCord looks through them, suddenly he pauses and his face attains new, never before seen positions of consternation. Blue asks him what's wrong and it turns out... HE IS ONE OF THE CYBERNATORS! I can't begin to describe what a shocking twist this is, that was not at all blatantly telegraphed.

As Blue and McCord are leaving the building, McCord is shot by poorly rotoscoped lasers and starts convulsing on the ground. A bunch of military men appear from the shadows and grab both of them. Instead of taking them to a military installation, they take Blue and McCord back to McCord's house, probably to avoid having to build another set. When McCord wakes up some military men tell him that he's a military experiment and they need him to kill the other cybernators, blah blah blah. This goes on for a long time and I stopped paying attention after a while. Eventually McCord loads up with a couple of enormous fake guns and leaves to track down the cybernators.

The scene cuts to an alley, where a bunch of people are standing around watching a belly dancer. Earlier I mentioned the apparent fetishization of fat, ugly women, and it's apparent again, because the belly dancer weighs about as much as three normal belly dancers. The audience stands in rapt attention, apparently mesmerized by the incessant jiggling of hundreds of pounds of flesh. In the middle of this, a man turns to a cyborg standing next to him. Perhaps he's sick of pretending to like enormously obese women and wants to die, because he gets in the cyborg's face and sneers, "cyborg scum!" The cyborg, naturally, is about to rip his throat out when the dancing manatee strokes his chin and coos:

Belly dancer: "No no no, big metal man. Tonight, only love, only passion!"

Either the cyborg is aware that the belly dancer could simple fall over on him and destroy his metal endoskeleton, or his circuitry is overloaded by a human being so fat talking about "passion", because he lets go of the man and turns away. The man, still determined to die, once more gets in his face:

Man: "Cyborg scum. You've got the passion of a toaster."
Cyborg: "Some of my best friends are toasters." (shoots man)
Man: (dies)
Cyborg: "Oh, humans bleed good. Humans bleed real good." (leaves)
Belly dancer: (continues jiggling)

After the cyborg leaves, one of the people at the edge of the crowd takes off a shawl, revealing that it's actually McCord. He follows the cyborg, I guess trying to find their secret hideout, but eventually loses track of him. Instead, he finds a crazy bum, who shows him a bundle of wires, and babbles things like "they can walk through rock." Eventually the bum wanders off and McCord is attacked by the cyborg, and they fight for about five seconds before the cyborg is thrown into a conveniently placed electrified fence. Now that the cyborg he was following is dead, it seems like McCord has lost the trail and will never find the cyborgs' secret hideout. Not so fast! Using his supercop powers, McCord thinks back to what the bum had said to him. "They can walk through rock," he repeats to himself.

McCord stumbles into a Doom 3 level.Once I was in a library and a crazy man sitting at a table near me kept loudly mumbling about some woman who put stones in her ass. I guess I wasn't a genius detective like McCord because I just figured he was crazy. McCord, who has deductive powers beyond my wildest dreams, ponders the bum's words for a few seconds, then gets into his car and literally drives all night long. The movie shows the sun coming up, and when McCord finally gets out if his car, it's the middle of the next day and he's in the middle of nowhere. He walks into an old tunnel cut in the side of a hill and, sure enough, he finds the cyborgs' secret hideout. There are many questions that can be asked, like: why did a random bum know about the secret cyborg hideout? Why is the hideout several hundred miles away? How did McCord know about a specific tunnel in a specific hillside in another timezone? Why do people in the future find morbidly obese people attractive? These and other questions are left for the sequel to answer, I suppose.

McCord now goes into full action hero mode, breaking into the secret cybernator hideout and fighting a series of successively harder opponents, much like the final level of an arcade game. First he fights a fat slow cybernator, then a ninja cybernator who stands there waiting to be shot, then two cybernators at once. Then he fights Cybernator Bob, who starts beating the crap out of McCord before McCord performs the indefensible move of pulling some of the tubes out of Bob's head, causing him to run around screaming while trying to stick the tubes back in, before falling down dead.

Just when it seems like McCord has beaten all of the cybernators, out steps Colonel Peck, who has only been in the movie for about a minute prior to this point. "Welcome, my brother," he says. Apparently Peck is the mastermind behind the rest of the cybernators and is somehow related to McCord, something which is supposed to be shocking to the audience. Peck goes on to talk for about eight hundred hours about some sort of vague plot and wrapping up all the loose ends that I weren't paying attention to in the first place. For being a colonel in the army, Peck has the single worst grasp of tactics I have ever seen, because when McCord finally gets sick of listening to Peck ramble on and attacks him, the final fight goes something like this:

• McCord shoots Peck in the chest with a pistol
• Peck says that he can't be hurt, continues talking
• McCord shoots Peck in the face with a shotgun, revealing his metal endoskeleton (maybe I should add "The Terminator" to the list of movie ripoffs)
• Peck grabs McCord and talks for another few hours
• McCord electrocutes Peck with a power cable
• Peck lets go of McCord, talks for a few more geological eras
• McCord grabs a pipe and impales Peck against a steam boiler
• Peck stops talking, dies

Now that McCord has finally killed all the cybernators, one would think that he would go back to his house and extract revenge on the military men there who are holding Blue hostage while McCord performs his task. The movie must have met its cliché quota, though, because instead, McCord breaks in through a window, rescues Blue, and drives off. When the military men rush into the room that Blue was in, instead they find nothing but the words "FUCK YOU" scrawled on a mirror in lipstick. Real mature, McCord. The end.

I watched this film three and a half times in order to review it, and each time it felt longer and longer, until by the end I was certain that four or five hours must have passed before I finally got to the final shot of McCord and Blue driving into the sunset in his ugly eighties car. Have you ever been so bored you wanted to cry? The last half of this movie had me fighting back more tears than anything I've ever watched before, including "Brian's Song," "Old Yeller" and the part when the Genie was finally set free in "Aladdin." I am making a solemn oath to never watch this movie again. If my brother was being held at gunpoint and I could save him by watching "Cybernator" again, I would send my mom some flowers and go do something more enjoyable, like eating powdered glass. In fact, that sounds more enjoyable than even continuing to think about this atrocity. See you guys later.

– Andrew "Linguica" Stine