Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Other activities which the characters in this movie enjoy doing in (death) bed include:

• Bible study
• Drinking a glass of wine and passing out with a lit cigarette (let's be honest, she was going to die in a regular bed like this even if the Death Bed didn't get her)
• Outdoor garden orgy set to circus calliope music

The worst offenders are somehow the only people with a legitimate reason to be in a bed: a horny couple who decide that a sinister, moldy root cellar is the ideal spot for their picnic lunch in the scenic countryside. Too bad their idea of foreplay involves pairing red wine with an 18-piece bucket of KFC, which just so happens to be the perfect appetizer for a hungry demonic piece of furniture:

Not trying to shame on their kink or anything, but they'd probably have survived if it didn't take them like 20 goddamn minutes of lying around and doing nothing to get around to the actual 10-second sex part. Just saying.

Okay, so the bed is causing death, we get it, but the real ultimate question is can the Death Bed be killed? Just how the hell does one kill a bed, anyway? Jumping on it a lot, having the dog pee all over it, putting it in Joe Don Baker's house for one night^[2]? Creating a race of killer sentient mutant bed bugs to fight back? Our personal suggestion would be to maybe try something involving setting it on fire with the huge, open fireplace that all of the characters constantly use, but that never seems to occur to anyone, especially not the guy who tries to shank it and gets himself a fresh new pair of skele-hands:

In the end, the bed is destroyed in some sort of anti-Satanic ritual involving poorly drawn figure-eights and having sex with a 150-year old zombie woman in the park. Hooray, the world is safe, at least until Arson Stool: The Stool that Burns comes along.

Speaking of which, we have a whole list of great ideas for follow-up premises that you're free to use, as long as your name isn't Charlie Band or David DeCoteau:

• Death Shed, the Shed that sort of Collapses when you Go Inside It
• Death Bread, the Bread that Chokes
• Murder Lead, the Gun that Shoots
• Death Bed, the Bed that Old People Die In: A Solemn, Detailed Look at Furniture Supply for Hospices
• Death Doggy Bed, the Bed that Causes Dog Death
• Diddle Fridge, the Fridge that Diddles
• Choke Sofa, the Sofa that Strangles
• Satan's Ottoman, the Footrest that Consumes Your Soul

Just don't try to make Rape Stove: The Stove that Rapes - that one's been claimed already.

[2] As a side note, this would inevitably lead to a movie we'd much rather see: Joe Don Baker: The Bed-Eating Man.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)