The Howling III

Speaking of rape, if you're dumb enough to watch this movie all the way through, it will happen to you through your eyeholes as you're forced to witness a werewolf lady giving birth to an E.T. finger puppet which then slowly crawls up into her fake pouch. There's no fucking way we're going to sully our video editors with that scene, but here's a glimpse of that particular horror (NSFW unless you work in a veterinary gynecologist's office and nobody is watching.) It's enough to make anyone run away screaming while seeing drunk Aussies through a fisheye lens:

Everything in this movie that's not unspeakably gross wallaby fetish fuel is complete and utter nonsense, as you might be sensing from our video clip selection so far. Most of the story is about Australian werewolves, but there's also a Russian ballerina who is a werewolf who just happens to be in town. The professor who is obsessed with finding werewolves just shows up at her closed ballet rehearsal for no reason, and then she turns into a werewolf right on stage, which of course leads to them getting married and having several children together. Then he becomes a half-man, half-platypus and leads a daring underwater rescue mission to save the rest of the werewolf tribe from the Swiss Guard, who are under orders from the Pope to destroy the shapeshifter menace.

Cut! That werewolf rape scene wasn’t believable at all! Throw her in the chunder pit!We made that last sentence up, but it really doesn't look that ridiculous next to all of the other things, which are 100% actual plot points in a real movie. The stuff about platypi being related to werewolves and the Pope wanting to kill them all is more or less in there, too. Are you beginning to appreciate the level of total insanity we're dealing with here? We haven't even gotten to the werewolf nest being the sleepy town of FLOW (which is literally some Nilbog-level bullshit right there), or the conversations that continue over scenes miles away from each other. And then there's the ending:

We're just going to skip merrily past the "ACADEMY OF LASER ARTS" and go straight into our leading werewolf lady there. Here's a brief timeline of her life story up to this point, for some context:

1. Living on the run from government extermination squads controlled by the U.S. and the Pope

2. Moves to Hollywood, changes her name and wears glasses occasionally; nobody ever recognizes her (including the professor, who lived with her for several years in the Outback)

3. Becomes a world-famous actress, somehow avoiding flash photography (which makes her werewolf out) the whole goddamn time until this one stupid awards ceremony

All we have to say after that is that we hope she enjoyed receiving that fake award, because that's the last ceremony that actress will ever be seeing.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)