Inhumanoid

Overview: On a deep space research vessel, a young family struggles with issues of isolation, fear, solipsism, drug addiction, and resentment that threaten to tear them apart. Fortunately, Richard Grieco drops by to rape and murder all of them before nuking their frozen vacuum corpses into dust. Also, did you know that androids can be werewolves? Because we sure didn't!

Directed By: Victoria Muspratt, 1996

The Case For: Is, among other things, the short, sad little "Oh" in response to the question "What the hell ever happened to Richard Grieco, anyway?" A question which is of course asked by real people out loud and all the time.

The Case Against: Nipple content about 958% higher than it should be considering this isn't porn. Plot and character development so shitty it might as well be porn. A couple toy spaceships and the inclusion of a minor just about the only things preventing it from spontaneously becoming porn at any moment. More of Richard Grieco's butt than Richard Grieco has seen (and let's be honest, he's probably seen a lot of it.)

If, for some inexplicable reason, you find yourself standing in a dimly-lit used video store, and you look down to see a copy of Inhumanoid in your hands (or its disguised alternate-title version, Circuit Breaker), make sure to quickly and calmly place it on the nearest shelf and then slowly back out of the exit. Unless you have a couple of comedy movie critics chained up in your basement dungeon, there is nothing for you to enjoy here.

Yes, we see it, "rated R for strong sexuality". You know it would be far less degrading if somebody caught you watching a regular porno, and not the one full of cybernetic werewolf snuff sex, right? Not that "full of sex" is a very good description of a movie which is 90% dead air either. If you really need to see butts and boobs so bad that you're resorting to this, clearly you don't deserve to live in a world where this isn't a thing you've seen:

Really, you still want to see more? Let us up the ante and remind you that Inhumanoid was both written and directed by Victoria Muspratt, the mad directress behind Canarom Productions brain-liquefier Teen Sorcery. Come to think of it, she must be into some pretty bizarre and probably wolf-related kink, since of her <8 hours worth of movie career, about half of it consists of this and something we're not even going to touch called White Wolves III: Cry of the White Wolf. Especially considering that Inhumanoid is kind of like Fur if you took out the Diane Arbus and pretentious surrealism and just had Robert Downey Jr. in a fursuit jerking off in a deco bathtub hurtling through space for 120 minutes. No wait, that would be immeasurably better than this movie in every way. Why don't you go try to make that movie instead of watching this one?

The EMMC motto is breach and CLEAR. Really, the only moderately cool thing about the mind-numbing fictional world that exists in the deadspace between the wolf nipples, Grieco glutes, and toy ships that contain them (namely the USS Circus Peanut and the USS Ballosphere) is the EMERGENCY MOBILE MEDICAL CENTER: a mysterious paramilitary strike-force whose sole purpose appears to be hunting down and saving the fuck out of people whether they want to be saved or not. They're like an elite, all-in-one SWAT/EMT/Storm Trooper team who will breach your door, rapel in through the windows with lasers blasting, and then jam an adrenaline shot directly into your heart just so they can punch you in the face for overdosing on painkillers. They will resuscitate you even if it means they have to kill your whole family, flamethrower your fucking Robodog and violate every space law on the e-books in the process.

Apologies if we we made the movie sound entertaining there for a second, but trust us, it's not. The paramilitary EMT commandos are in like 30 seconds total and then it's back to Richard Grieco literally reciting his terrible brooding love poetry and that one lady whose career peaked as "Taco Bell Patron" in Demolition Man wandering around the ship aimlessly in search of things to rub their genitals on. Put the goddamn DVD case down and go home already. It won't help you, it won't make you less alone, it won't fill any holes you want filled (and will definitely fill a couple you don't).

HERE LIES RICHARD GREICO. HE SCORED. No, Richard Grieco being in a semi-leading role is a terrible reason to watch this. Even if you're one of the 5 members of the elusive Richard Grieco fanclub floating around out there in the vast cosmos of the 1996AmericanTVHeartthrobNostalgiaBlog-iverse you can probably skip this one. In fact, if you don't want to remember Richard Grieco as some sort of cross between Criss Angel and a psychotic werewolf rape automaton forever, you'd better stay as far the fuck away from this thing as humanly possible.

Oh, and get this: the unstoppable amoral murder android? His only weakness is letting him rape you until he goes into "emotional overload" and sparks up an e-cig, at which point you can safely blow his brains out with the regular gun he was invincible against before you let him rape you (and presumably while he was raping you). Oh, and then his face will boil off in a special-effects crack orgy which seems like maybe it's some kind of trial run for use in a better movie which probably never got made.

Ha ha, just kidding, nobody would ever make up an ending that ridiculous to a real movie. Here's the real ending:

Now put down the goddamn DVD case and walk away.

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)