Nail Gun Massacre

Back at the house of T.A.M.E.D. and fog machines, the dynamic duo and their mother are sitting down to eat a depressing dinner of spaghetti-Ohs, at their depressing table, inside the most depressing house in all of New Shittington. There's some plot crap that happens, but the real focus here is on the wild overacting of the guy in the T.A.M.E.D. hat. He mugs like a crackhead with a pistol in Central Park, and by god, he's so bad he makes me want a fucking T.A.M.E.D. hat. I don't know what it means, but I really, really, really hope it was the name of a terrible 1980s rap group and that kid was the front man.

Here is a rap song I have written by the hypothetical rap all stars from T.A.M.E.D. It is hypothetically entitled "We Are Rappin' (Perilous Daze)."

Yo!
Yo, yo, yo!
We are rappin'
We are rappin'
Straight up rappin'

Just yesterday someone killed a creep,
Right in the house where I have to go to sleep
Now my mom's servin' up Chef Boyardee,
And all I can think is 'lord, why me?'
There's a crazed psycho killer got me on the run,
Treatin' people like boards with his crazy nail gun
Things just going from bad over to worse
Cuz that crazy psycho killer got a solid gold hearse

Cuz we are rappin'
We are rappin'
Straight up rappin'
Like MCs

As if I wasn't worried already enough,
I see the sheriff and doc and all their stuff.
Doc's on the case with a denim jacket and a smile,
And the local police are going that extra mile
They put an extra antenna on the sheriff's car
So he can find out where the killers are
Maybe one day when he catches enough crooks,
He'll get an official car to match his rugged good looks

Cuz we are rappin'
We are rappin'
Straight up rappin'
And we bad

Werrrrrrrd, son.

With mic skills and acting skills like that, T.A.M.E.D. is sure to go places any day now. The majority of the actors in the movie, with T.A.M.E.D taking the lead, are students of the Godzilla School of acting. It's a well known method that involves reacting to everything on screen as if a giant monster is destroying buildings. Someone just said "hello?" Throw those eyebrows up like they're frogs in a dynamite pond. If you're explaining something like crossing the street to buy a loaf of bread, you need to throw your arms around and contort your facial features through at least ten major emotions.

Even if you're just present in a scene and don't have any dialogue you can still contribute by acting really hard. Listen very carefully to what the other actors are saying to each other and react to the sentences as if they are being screamed at you by a gun-wielding guard at a POW camp.

You don't see much of the Godzilla School these days outside of alien invasion blockbusters. It has mostly been superseded by Harrison Ford's Academy Award Winning "purse your lips and look pensively sideways in reaction to everything" method.

Back to the movie. There's some noise outside and we see it's the nail gun killer creeping around. T.A.M.E.D.'s older brother heads out to investigate and, surprisingly, makes it back unscathed and without catching a glimpse of the nail gun killer. I guess he's just not used to seeing scuba tanks floating around in midair in the middle of the woods.

The next day, I guess, two dudes and two super fine babes pull up at the local New Shittington lumber yard. The guys are looking for work and the crabby lumber yard owner suggests they head out to the murder house and fix up the place. They thank him for the tip and tell him "see you soon."

"Sooner than you think," he replies menacingly.

I'll teach you to rape women...teach you with nails! In case you missed the foreshadowing, the woman who was raped walks out and joins him to beat you over the head with some more foreshadowing.

"Were they construction workers?" She asks with disgust.

Yeah, they were, but the two way hot babes weren't. Killing hot babes won't make that rape go away. Not even if the babes are wearing headbands.

The quartet arrives at the T.A.M.E.D. homestead, but nobody answers their knocks on the door. They decide to have a picnic of delicious Ritz crackers, but the sweet buttery taste of Ritz crackers can't satisfy all of their cravings and one couple splits off to have really bad sex in the woods. This ends, as you might expect, in the duo being nailed to a tree even as they are nailing up against a tree. It's poetic justice for those who would ignore the dangers of woodland intercourse.

"See you deadbeats later!" The nail gun killer exclaims over their corpses.

When the couple doesn't return from the woods to enjoy their Ritz cracker lunch, the other couple begins to worry. The man, who looks like a roadie for Quiet Riot, heads out in search of his pals. One guess what happens to him. If you guessed "he doesn't get shot with nails" then you picked the only possible incorrect answer.

Eh, dead bodies, whatever. The woman, left behind, is about to have a nervous breakdown when T.A.M.E.D. and his older brother return home. Once she relates her story of disappearing chums to them, they go off in search of the corpses.

The next day they call the sheriff to come have a look at some dead people. The sheriff calls the doctor and then follows them onto the property to have a look at the corpses.

"Yep," he might as well have said, "those are corpses."

The sheriff, who wouldn't know what a clue was if it was sitting in a labeled evidence bag, doesn't really find anything useful on the crime scenes. When the doctor arrives he seems similarly incapable of locating any evidence, but he's got plenty of time to stand around making fun of the sheriff for failing to solve the case. Go team misadventure.

The only thing that makes this scene enjoyable is the fact that people who are completely unaffiliated with the movie keep shooting guns in the nearby woods. The constant bang of gunfire is at times so loud that the actors actually pause in delivering their lines. One actor even improvises a line about how the sheriff should tell them to stop shooting their guns. Hey, maybe next time a fucking serial killer is stalking the woods you could just yell and ten guys with real guns will blow his head off!