The circumstances surrounding Cho's battle with the Gay Cowboy Gang are unimportant. His cop friend Dave refers to them as "some ex-cons he knows," which explains their combative attitude. There is much that it does not explain.
The guy on the back right is wearing roller skates.
They fight in a public playground, surrounded by a crowd of puzzled onlookers who, possibly, just happened to be in the park on the day of shooting. A guy gets thrown down a slide and lies face-down in the sand at the bottom, defeated. Cho fights with [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja25.jpg]razor-sharp paper fans[/url]. He [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja26.jpg]shaves off half the cowboy's mustache[/url], which symbolically emasculates him, maybe. Whatever these guys know about the ninja-mafia heroin connection or how they know it, we never find out. It doesn't matter, though, because CHO FINALLY SUITS UP.
Not pictured: the motorized, light-up deluxe display case he had installed in his dojo to store all the ninja shit he pledged never to contemplate using again.
Braden's [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja29.jpg]creeping around Chifano's headquarters[/url], looking to take down his empire once and for all. Various goons are subjected to [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja32.jpg]pointlessly humiliating ninja combat[/url]. There are new ninja tricks, like the pointy [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja30.jpg]ninja jacks[/url] that look like they're meant to be stepped on, but actually go [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja31.jpg]in the face[/url]. Cho, having also infiltrated the building, employs a similar tactic:
The two ninjas finally meet on the rooftop. The showdown begins with a [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja38a.jpg]series[/url] of [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja38b.jpg]grunts[/url] and [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja38c.jpg]hand gestures[/url]. This is on a fenced-in volleyball court, the first indication that the final 10 minute action sequence will be largely improvised around stuff that happens to be on the roof. Braden can control the [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja39.jpg]deadly rooftop fan[/url], for example.
Is Braden [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja42.jpg]hiding in the rooftop hot tub?[/url] No, Cho is shocked to discover that this is merely [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja43.jpg]a robot decoy[/url]. If you've been keeping track, that's the third deadly scheme of Braden's that involved a tub of some kind.
For his last trick, Braden [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja44.jpg]shoots mystical fire out of his hands[/url]. Then he [url=http://i.somethingawful.com//sasbi/2006/11/jcdracula/Ninja45.jpg]sprays mystical blood out of his torso[/url].
Everyone is dead except for Cho, Kane, and Cathy. None of these characters will return for the "sequel," Ninja III: The Domination, the second out of four ninja films Sam Firstenberg directed for Cannon (the others being the first two out of five American Ninja movies.) Neither Ninja III or the first entry in this series, Enter the Ninja are available on Region 1 DVD.
Once you've seen Revenge, please send a strongly-worded letter to MGM Home Video demanding they fast-track the trilogy for a box set on Blu-Ray.
WHAT'S SHO BEEN UP TO? Variety ran an article in early 2005 about an alleged attempt to get The Return of the Ninja starring Sho Kosugi off the ground with a proposed budget of thirty-five million dollars and the screenwriting talent of Steven de Souza, whose career since the 90s has been largely defined by writing and directing Street Fighter: The Movie. They didn't have the financing finished then, and over a year later there's no further word on the project.
[url=http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0467559/]Kane[/url] is already taking great steps towards continuing his father's legacy; he co-stars as Ryu Hayabusa in this year's [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0398913/]DOA: Dead or Alive[/url]. Buying a ticket to DOA sends an important message to the Hollywood Death Machine: you're a supporter of Kosugi-branded products, now and forever.
|Special Effects:||- 10|
|Music / Sound:||- 5|
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.