Star Crystal

Uh, Billie, you have a little something on your face, there. No, no, over a little. Yeah, that's it.

Billie is hard at work on fixing the engines and becoming less attractive. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for those of us with functioning optic nerves, a reddish blob kills her by wrapping its tentacles around her. It's a tragedy, sure, but in other ways it's for the best. At the rate she was going, if she appeared on camera just a few more times, she'd actually slide down a notch or two on the evolutionary ladder. When Billie stops responding on the intercom, due largely to her death, Roger sends Sherrie to check on her. This is when we get a good look at the inner workings of the ship. It seems that while all of the rooms are large and have nice, high ceilings, they are all connected by a series of cramped tubes. They're just big enough so that in order to get from one room to another, a person must crawl on their hands and knees, but an alien slime blob could probably get through without any trouble. Hmm... 

Well, Sherrie finds Billie's mutilated corpse, but being a scientific-minded professional, she keeps her cool. Oh no, I'm sorry, I was thinking of that movie I saw that one time that didn't suck. Actually, Sherrie flips the fuck out. She scoots back through the tubes to the science lab as fast as she can, which is to say, painfully slowly, because there is no way that an adult human being could ever get through those tubes with any sort of speed without breaking his or her spine in several places. Adrienne does her best to calm the hysterical nutritionist, whilst the sound crew does its best to assure that none of the dialogue overlaps with one of the actresses moving her mouth. You know, you don't want the scene to get too busy.

Adrienne calls up to the bridge via intercom. Unfortunately, Roger and Token Black Guy have been too busy drinking to help her. That's right, the man who is in charge of the nearly impossible task of getting an understaffed, undersupplied ship to the nearest space station before everyone onboard dies is drunk. And so is his black friend. Now, I'm not going to say that Roger does the worst drunk act that I've ever seen, but that's what I mean. Sensing in her infinite wisdom that Roger might not be the best source of help at the moment, Adrienne instructs Sherrie to close and lock the door behind her after she leaves, speaking as slowly and using as many small words as possible so that she'll understand. See, you have to be patient with Sherrie. She's a nutritionist. Adrienne then leaves via tube, and Sherrie, remembering the instructions she received fifteen seconds ago, promptly and actively doesn't close or lock the door behind her.

MORE SCIENCE!

When Adrienne arrives at the bridge, she, Roger, and Token Black Guy take a look at the Crew Tracker Type Thingy 3000, a device that displays a map of the ship and dots that show where every person onboard is at all times. Most of the dots are red, but there is a white dot in the engine room, indicating a living being with a body temperature way below what is normal for a human. They see the white dot just motoring through the tubes on its way to the science lab. Oh if only, if only the braniacs behind the spaceship's design had the foresight to build in passageways that a normal human could pass though comfortably! But alas, only an alien slime or some sort of space otter could possibly navigate those tubes. Adrienne rushes to the intercom and instructs Sherrie to lock the goddamn door already. A few minutes later, Sherrie finally gets off her ass and slowly starts walking toward the door. Wouldn't you know it? Before she can lock it, the alien slime blob oozes into the room. Maybe if she wasn't such a damn nutritionist, she could have locked the door in time. The blob reaches out for her with a couple tentacles and a brand new pincer in a gesture if intergalactic hyper-friendship. Sherrie, in response, throws a beaker of acid at it. Unfortunately, this cosmic misunderstanding is never properly resolved, and the blob kills the crap out of Sherrie.

Careful, he's got a glue gun with a condom on it, and he's not afraid to use it.

On the Crew Tracker, Sherrie's red dot disappears. Then something even more terrifying happens - whatever degenerative disease Billie had infects Adrienne! The last time she was on camera, she was a model of poise and professionalism, with an immaculate appearance. Now she's not wearing makeup and her hair is all poofy-like. I guess women just don't take well to the pressures of pathetically slow space travel. Luckily, she doesn't have to do anything - it's Token Black Guy to the rescue! Armed with a shitty little laser gun, he tubes it on down to the science lab. There, he finds Sherrie's corpse and fires a few shitty little lasers at nothing in particular. This, of course, just proves that black people can't be trusted with weapons. 

On his way back through the tubes, Token Black Guy has an unfortunate run in with the alien blob and its infinitely long tentacles. Roger and Adrienne see the white dot practically on top of Token Black Guy's red dot, so Roger decides to blow the hatch in the tubes and suck the blob out into space. He activates the hatch, and an instant later the red dot disappears. Adrienne smiles and laughs with the belief that the remaining white dot is actually Token Black Guy, and he's just freezing to death. Of course, she's mistaken, but what you may not realize is that she's also a fucking moron. There is a red dot and a white dot. You know that the white dot is in the process of killing the red dot. You blow the hatch, the red dot disappears, and the white dot stays in precisely the same place. HOW FREAKING STUPID WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE TO EVEN POSSIBLY THINK THAT THE WHITE DOT IS THE RED DOT IN DISGUISE? Adrienne's stupidity prompts Roger to spout the line, "That's not Cal's dot," which has a dual distinction. On the one hand, it is without a doubt the lamest line in the history of science fiction. On the other hand, it reveals that Token Black Guy's name is actually Cal! How nice of you to finally mention that, now that he's dead and it will never come up again! I hate you, Lance Lindsay.

Well, what do you know, the only people who are left are the two who hate each other. What an unforeseen coincidence! Now that things are looking bleak, Adrienne's cool, collected facade vanishes. Being a weak, defenseless woman, she just doesn't have the strength to deal with both a killer Jell-o mold and the fact that she is rapidly becoming less and less attractive physically. It sure is a good thing she has a brave man to protect her. While Adrienne and Roger take a nap, secure in the knowledge that they can sleep soundly without being disturbed by their crewmates, since they've all had their juices sucked out by the alien death blob, the blob itself goes through a startling transformation. Well, it's really not so much a transformation so much as it's a replacement by a different puppet. But this one has eyes! Two big, huge eyes! Isn't that weird?

That is one stoned alien. Just look at those eyes.

The computer warns that the air supply has been terminated and oxygen levels are already down to seventy percent. Roger wakes up, and by the time he gets to a terminal, the oxygen drops another ten percent. The computer states that he gave the order to kill the oxygen forty-five minutes ago. Not to get bogged down in mathematics again, but if it takes all of six seconds for the oxygen level to drop another ten percent and the order was given forty-five minutes ago, then Roger and Adrienne are, by all rights, ever so dead. They just haven't realized it yet. Roger gives the computer an order to restrict access to the terminal on the bridge, and the air level immediately returns to normal. Roger is a little cheesed, because the computer is programmed to only respond to his voice. He also surmises that he's playing into the blob's hand - uh, tentacles - by cutting off computer access to the rest of the ship. His rationale is that now the blob can't cut off the oxygen from outside the bridge and he and Adrienne can't cut off the oxygen from outside the bridge, either. I swear to God, that's how he figures he's being played. Now, I don't care how superintelligent that blob is, if it's playing mind games on its quest to kill them, then what would that accomplish? The blob obviously doesn't need oxygen to live, it doesn't care. Were Roger and Adrienne really planning on having to shut off the air supply from outside the bridge sometime in the near future? If so, did they have any sort of reason for it? If they're just suicidal, there must be a hundred better ways to go about it.

OODLES OF SCIENCE!

Roger and Adrienne find the missing recording of the routine expedition to Mars. It had been cleverly hidden in the video player. They watch with wonderment as the two hick astronauts play catch with a football from three feet apart. That sort of defeats the thrill of playing catch in a low-gravity environment. The whole point is that you can throw farther. If you stand close together, the only difference is that the ball moves a little slower. Yeehaw, nothing like flying thirty-five million miles to play catch for retards. After that, Roger just fast forwards the recording. Apparently in the future fast forward buttons will be equipped with their own comical, old-timey music to make the sped up motion funnier! It's not "Yakety Sax," but it'll do! Future, here I come!

Just then, another ship makes contact. Unfortunately, the transmitter's busted, and Roger can't respond. The other ship asks them to make a right turn if they're doing alright. The ship turns right on its own. Roger makes absolutely no attempt to stop it. Nice work, douche. Adrienne bursts into hysterics. Meanwhile, the blob makes a wrench levitate. So it's fun fun happy time all around! Later, Roger and Adrienne go over notes that the old crew left behind, or something. They say that the old crew did tests on the blob and found that it was incredibly intelligent and growing rapidly. That's sort of odd. I didn't think the old crew even realized what they found was anything more than a rock before they all died. Oh wait, that's because they didn't. I don't want to say this script was just thrown together or anything, but there's no conceivable way for me to finish this sentence without implying it. Oh, also the crystal is actually a supercomputer and some sort of power source. That's just terrific. If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to break a lava lamp over my head and scald myself with the goop inside until I forget about this movie.