Time Changer

"Sacrilege-sense... tingling..."Later that night Russell goes into a fifties diner where he overhears a conversation between two girls sitting in a booth behind him. The girls are obviously at an impressionable age since they're wearing the particular style of clothing that suggests to Christians that they might become sluts without actually coming out and saying that they are sluts: jean jackets, tight black pants, and other proto-slut attire. Their conversation goes something like this:

Girl 1: "If I come home with alcohol on my breath, my parents will kill me."
Girl 2: "Just stay over at my house, then they won't know you were drinking alcohol."
Girl 1: "OK, but who's going to get the alcohol?"
Girl 2: "Tommy's older brother is buying us the alcohol."
Girl 1: "Oh boy, alcohol!"

In case you missed it, the connotation is that they are going to drink alcohol. Russell turns around and attempts to lecture them on the evils of demon rum but they just roll their painted harlot-eyes, leaving him to wonder what sort of society allows young women to ignore strange older men in restaurants.

Sadly, the movie keeps going on and on like this, as Russell keeps wandering around and talking to people about Jesus, over and over. Instead of wasting my time chronicling every detail, I'll just write it out once, and you can read it five or six times over:

• Russell sees/hears something blasphemous and shocking to him.
• Russell helpfully points out how wrong the person is.
• Russell is confused and upset when the person doesn't immediately obey his commands.

There are only two things worth mentioning about the rest of the movie. First, the "villains" are a couple of suspicious cops who wonder why Russell claims to have the same name and profession as a man who died seventy years ago, and who acts as if everything is new and strange to him. Instead of coming to a logical conclusion like "the man is insane" or even a less logical conclusion like "the man has traveled forward through time", the two cops come to the conclusion of "I don't know, we better do nothing but follow him around, harass him, and break into his hotel room to try and find anything suspicious." Did I mention that the two cops are members of the church that Russell is attending? That's right, Time Changer's villains are Christian police officers who threaten innocent men and break into their hotel rooms for no reason. And remember, this is a CHRISTIAN MOVIE.

Russell is dismayed about something or other. It all starts blurring together after a while.As for the second? OK, quick quiz: you're a high school teacher, and two days ago a strange man showed up at your church, ranting about Jesus all the time and refusing to answer any questions about who he is or where he came from. Do you A) stay away from him, B) enlist your Christian brownshirt cop buddies to check him out, or C) invite him to speak to your science class about a "secret" experiment he claims he is working on? If you chose A or B, congratulations, you're too smart to work in the public school system. Anyways, a parishioner spontaneously invites Russell to speak to her high school science class, and to which he imparts the words of wisdom:

"If any scientific record contradicts the Scriptures, it is the scientific finding that is in error. God's word has proven accurate 100% every time."

The movie goes on and the teacher's eyes go bigger than commemorative Virgin Mary dinner plates, but suddenly a light turned on in my head. Flipping through a Bible, I soon found one small nugget of pure incontrovertible truth:

Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? (Ecclesiastes 8:7)

So wait a minute. If the Bible is infallible, then Russell can't possibly be seeing the future, and the whole movie is a lie. But if Russell really is seeing the future, then the Bible is wrong and Christianity is a sham. Either way, this movie is full of shit, and I'm not watching another minute. Maybe this is why most Christian flicks nowadays stick to horsewhipping.

– Andrew "Linguica" Stine