Meetings are important to the function of any business, but too many meetings can stifle efficiency. If you find yourself missing milestones due to endless meetings, engage in this simple mental exercise: imagine that you are Vincent Price in The Last Man on Earth, and that your coworkers are the ravenous undead who wail by night, begging for your blood. Help yourself to whatever supplies you need. If you encounter a coworker, set fire to him and throw him in a ravine.


N is not in the alphabet of business, because "no" starts with "n," and "no" is not in our vocabulary. There may be Ns out there somewhere, but I don't want anything to do with them.


Office supplies may look like overripe grapes, hanging low, bursting with sweet juice, begging to be plucked and taken home. No! When you steal all the pens, you harm the on-the-job fecundity of all your fellow workers. Follow the golden rule: do not steal anything that you would not want stolen from yourself, if it was yours (which it's not: it belongs to the company, so don't take it home).


Paperclips: nobody knows where they come from, what they're used for, or why they're called that, but they spontaneously generate in office supply rooms like mice from a haystack and we might as well learn to appreciate them. If your productivity is flagging, try bending one into the shape of a vulva and drawing inspiration from the erotic simplicity of its form.


Quiet surroundings can work wonders for your productivity. If the bustle of your surroundings makes it impossible to concentrate, ensconce yourself in an empty closet and work in peace. If you are still disturbed, tilt your body at unlikely oblique angles until you fall into an empty spatial dimension.


Robots are more efficient by far than blood-and-guts employees, but can they talk an angry customer out of disputing a credit card charge? If not, buy one with bigger claws.

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