I’m Mad Ill, Yo

Because I accentually ate thirty pounds of raw cookie dough, I’m now sick and filled with internal unpleasantries. I could attempt to write an article, but I’m afraid I would just end up writing things like “ahhhhhhhh” and “buuuuulllllaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk” over and over again, providing you with the soundtrack of my life. I’ll keep things simple and spare you the pain, the pain, the pain. I also inexplicably wrote that last sentence while trapped in an echo chamber.

Xtra! Xtra! Movie Review!

Emily “Intra-Gel™” Reigel took a break from her important housework to watch a very special movie called “Xtro.” Her review pretty much sums up why movies shouldn’t be made and why both traditional and digital film cameras should be burned to prevent future motion picture holocausts from ever happening. In other words, this is definitely no “Ernest Goes to Camp.”

Something doesn't seem quite right at the very start of this disaster. I think that perhaps it might be the fact that the "space ship" that is seen rocketing through some fire and clouds (presumably Earth's atmosphere) looks like a crumpled-up ball of aluminum foil molded in the rough shape of human genitalia. One would think that if an alien were to travel to Earth across all of those millions of miles of empty space that he would have the technology to make his ship look like something other than a ball of garbage, but hey, what do I know? The ship-thing makes some very convincing explosions for seemingly no reason in mid-air before it speeds to its awaiting doom on the ground. If only it had actually blown up at this point this movie would never have been made and everyone everywhere would have been a lot happier with their lives in general. Oh well, I suppose that you can't win them all, and the fact that this movie exists is definitely proof of that.

I must say that if the Prophet Muhammad were alive today, he would most certainly endorse this movie review!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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