Dear Mr. Bezos,

In addition to the "below the belt selfie - otherwise colloquially known as a 'd*ck pick'" and the nine images mentioned in the previous email, The Enquirer has obtained additional images that you may find interesting. These include:

  • Mr. Bezos staring at a cooked iguana with his genital area exposed through a sort of hoop sewn into the groin of pleather pants.
  • Mr. Bezos fully clothed and kissing a large Rasta Banana plush.
  • A fully-nude male figure with visibly engorged nether region that matches the characteristics of Mr. Bezos. The figure is wearing a sack with eye holes over his head and the words "President F*ck" have been written on his bare chest in what appears to be lipstick.
  • Ms. Sanchez wearing a revealing bodysuit costume that resembles the character Jack Skellington from The Nightmare Before Christmas. She appears to be inside a luxury submarine.
  • A close-up of aroused male genitals with eleven cake style donuts impaled on the shaft. How are there so many? How didn't they break? It doesn't seem possible, but here we are.
  • A selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing a shirt depicting a cartoon dog wearing sunglasses and standing with its arms crossed. Next to this image is the text: "IF YOU THINK I ACT LIKE I DON'T CARE" and then beneath that in larger red text, "I'M NOT ACTING!" He is wearing his wedding ring.
  • A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing a plastic six pack holder that he has somehow stretched around his legs and up to his arms and squished his balls so they pop out two different holes. Maybe happened accidentally because he appears to be embarrassed.
  • Mr. Bezos taking a bathroom mirror selfie of himself kissing a large rasta banana plush. His genitals appear at least partially aroused.
  • Ms. Sanchez on the moon with her bare breasts pressed up against the glass porthole of a moon yacht with Mr. Bezos in the foreground, outside the glass, visibly jacked even through a space suit, stabbing an Amazon flag into a moon alien. The alien looks sort of like a d*ck.
  • Mr. Bezos face selfie during what appears to be a hot air balloon ride across the dinosaur valley that only rich people are allowed to know about.
  • Ms. Sanchez only she is a giant blue cat woman version of herself cloned and Avatarized on the Avatar planet in like a big jellyfish tree thing and Mr. Bezos is also an alien cat man and they are hooking their genital hair things up together. He is wearing his wedding ring.
  • Mr. Bezos in an out-of-focus image apparently next to the remains of a destroyed rocket ship cradling a figure in a burnt Blue Origin flight suit that appears to be the Rasta Banana plush. He is crying and wearing his wedding ring.

The Enquirer and AMI hereby demands that the Washington Post publish a front page headline calling Donald Trump "the best and healthiest and smartest president in history" and stating, unequivocally, that The Enquirer is way cooler and better. Also that Saudi Arabia is better than America.

If this is not done in 10 days then the Rasta Banana will be shown publicly.

- Dylan Howard

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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