The Assassin's Creed Text Adventure

<('-'<) Copyright 2015 AwfulSoft (>'-')>

Welcome to Assassin's Creed: SUBTITLE.

You are a snarky, flippant young person. Soon TRAGIC EVENT happens. Now you are a snarky, flippant young person with MOTIVATION. Here, take some wrist knives and this hood.

ENTER COMMAND: > explore

Gosh, look at the big, open world of HISTORICAL CITY! Before you set off on your quest you decide to explore a bit.

You do this by running directly towards the nearest marked treasure box. There are nearly two hundred marked treasure boxes remaining on your map.

ENTER COMMAND:> keep exploring

You explore the incredible HISTORIC CITY by systematically running towards all the remaining treasure boxes. After scooping up the third box the scenery becomes a meaningless blur. The shouts of pedestrians begin to repeat. Nothing holds meaning save for the mechanical process of scooping up objects to make a number go up.

ENTER COMMAND: > start mission cutscene

You encounter every important figure that was alive in HISTORICAL CITY TIMEFRAME. Wow. Amazing. Each character is vaguely quirky. You can tell because their speech pattern and intonation is delivered with the same calculated mannerisms used for quirky characters in such Ubisoft games as Far Cry 3, Watch_Dogs, and Far Cry 4.

Hey, remember that entire decade in which BioWare recycled the same NPC conversation animations? If you've played an Ubisoft game before, something feels familiar as the camera slightly wobbles and the quirky character before you walks away, then back towards you while gesticulating and speaking with numerous pauses.

ENTER COMMAND: > do mission

You are tasked with the assassination of MINOR HISTORICAL FIGURE. Why? Because Templars something something Assassins something Magic Object something.

Remember, the best assassins take out their targets without any trace, preferably making the target's death seem accidental.

After running past several alerted rooftop guards and stabbing a few in the face, you leap on your target in a crowded courtyard. Cleverly, you make your escape by mashing the attack button a million times to win swordfights against approximately thirty people.

ENTER COMMAND: > upgrade armor

You have made enough progress to unlock new upgrades. There's a new outfit that has better stats, but it looks worse than the one you're wearing now. Every tier continues to get further from your personal taste. You buy them anyway, because stats.

ENTER COMMAND: > next mission

So, in the real world there is a COMPLEX PROBLEM. Maybe it's slavery, or child labor, or some disease. Whatever it may be, it also exists in the world of Assassin's Creed: SUBTITLE.

In real life COMPLEX PROBLEM exists because of numerous factors, interconnected in ways that can't be pulled apart without a deep understanding of human behavior and social issues. In Assassin's Creed: SUBTITLE, COMPLEX PROBLEM exists because Templars.

There are no easy solutions to COMPLEX PROBLEM in real life. To solve it, walk up to a slave/child/patient and when a button prompt says "FREE" push it to free them.

ENTER COMMAND: > explore further

Gosh, this open world really is amazing. You decide to explore and interact with it in an even more meaningful way.

You climb to the top of a marked tower. The camera pans around. You run directly to the next marked tower, and repeat this process until all twenty have been visited.

Nothing means anything. You run directly through crowds, occasionally hitting the attack button when a bad guy (conveniently highlighted in red) intersects your path. At some point you just run past those guys too, as you feel they're not worth your time.

ENTER COMMAND: > next mission

You remove a VR headset. It's the near future. We have absolutely no idea what to do with the larger plot, so once again it seems like the near future Templars and Assassins are plotting moves against one another without really doing anything meaningful.

This supposed conflict has played out like two drunk meatheads bumping chests and rubbing foreheads outside a bar without throwing a punch, for three days.

ENTER COMMAND: > finish the game i guess

You're back in HISTORICAL CITY. After FAMOUS INVENTOR/ARTIST gives you a new murder device, you progress the plot by killing a million people.

The credits roll for half an hour as the fifteen studios involved in the making of this lumbering annual obligation of a product-game scroll by.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)