This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 7, 1981
Subject: Martial Law Declared

Your friend and colleague Terry Baudoon has betrayed the company. He was unable to produce anything close to his normal amount of waste today. That means he made use of an illegal toilet on my property.

Given the unprecedented threat we face not just from Alice Cooper and his thugs, but also from the rogue element installing illegal toilets here, I am declaring martial law in the offices. I have armed my most trusted lieutenants and instructed them to sniff out any threats to the safety and integrity of the Bear Cave Soup Company.

I am sick and tired of you ingrates taking advantage of my good will and generosity. You should be following the glowing example of moral leadership I provide instead of biting the hand that feeds you.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 6, 1981

Some of you aren't taking things seriously. This Alice Cooper may be a joke, but he's no joke.

Just to make sure he doesn't foul up our company with his horrible act, I'm putting the entire company on lockdown. Nobody gets in, nobody gets out.

This isn't an easy decision by any means. I had planned to spend the evening at the Bouncy House screaming my lungs out at the dancers. Instead, I have to spend it here protecting company property with you brainless nitwits.

We're going to be here all night, folks. Don't even think about sleeping on the job.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 7, 1981
Subject: Spike Traps are working

Good news, morons.

Ðâng Lành's traps are working. At fifteen past midnight, we managed to catch a local shock rocker calling himself Ricky Raunch. As far as anyone knows, he disappeared in the night. And if any of you say otherwise, you'll also disappear in the night along with whoever you tell. We're a soup company, and snitches are not welcome here.

And if any of you don't come forward and spill the beans on this illegal toilet, you'll be joining Ricky Raunch and any snitches dissolving in a barrel in the soupyards.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 7, 1981
Subject: Illegal Toilet

My faithful hound Bouillon was able to sniff out the location of the illegal toilet with what's left of his snout. It appears one of you installed this toilet in the break room supply closet. Manuel Rodriguez informs me there is no way to recover the waste, as whoever installed the toilet expertly connected it with a sewer line.

I don't need to remind you how shameful and reckless it is to destroy company property. Until one of you comes forward and confesses, we will spend the rest of lockdown playing Russian Roulette. If you value your coworkers enough to provide them a toilet outside my watchful gaze, then you probably don't want any of them dead.

The toilet has already been uninstalled, and Tall Charlie is currently blasting it to bits with a rifle.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 7, 1981
Subject: Reckoning

Lance Stroud has confessed to installing the illegal toilet and tapping into the sewer lines. Because he came forward, I am showing him mercy.

He has agreed to let Tall Charlie tattoo the word "traitor" on his forehead and spend the next year as Bouillon's personal groomer and assistant. Finally, he has agreed to replace all the waste his toilet stole... with interest.

Lucky for him, I have exact figures.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: March 7, 1981
Subject: Good News

I just heard a report that Alice Cooper is dead. Apparently his show was so garish, they executed him at the end of the concert. He was decapitated in a guillotine somebody had the good sense to bring to the show. His long reign of terror is over thanks to old-fashioned mob justice.

I'm lifting the lockdown. Since it's already 5:45 am, go ahead and stay on the clock until 5 pm. These extra hours you spent overnight on my property will not be paid, as I have already subtracted the expenses incurred from you treating the office like a hotel and for using the illegal toilet.

And for the record, the traps will stay up just in case any shock rockers or no-good rockabillies get a notion to invade my property.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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