Memos from Bear Cave: Heart Attack!

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Tall Charlie
DATE: March 19, 1979 11:30 AM
SUBJECT: Gather My Mistresses (and Wife)

I need you to retrieve all of my mistresses and bring them to the lobby. Do not tell them why. Do not introduce them to each other. It is important they have no idea what is happening.

TO: Tall Charlie
DATE: March 19, 1979 1:15 PM
SUBJECT: Follow these instructions

1. Please read in full the following statement to my wife and mistresses:

"I am a man with a great heart and even greater need for love. As such, no one single woman could ever cater to my needs. Thus I have made each of you an integral part of my life. Now that my life is nearing its end, I need only one of you there by my death bed. May the best woman win. I will not be providing weapons as I do not want the victor to have been uglied in battle.

Good luck!"

2. Lock the doors to the lobby and do not open them until you are certain there is only one woman standing.

3. Bring that woman to me.

TO: Tall Charlie
DATE: March 19, 1979 1:30 PM
SUBJECT: You idiot!

Why didn't you tell me only my wife showed up? And why the hell did you read her that statement? You are damn lucky my priorities are in fighting to survive and not wringing your goddamn neck.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 19, 1979 2:42 PM
SUBJECT: Things I need to get off my chest

Knowing that I not long for this world has caused me to reexamine some things in life. The following are facts I wish to be known in the event I die today.

First, I was not lying about all those men I shot in the war. I was lying about being in the army, though.

Second, I have seduced the wives of the following employees:

Duke Palmer
Ron Scotch
Leland Brownwig (At least one of your children is mine-- Probably the handsome one).
Jim Proudcorn

Finally, to this very day, I still do not understand what the expression "sour grapes" means. I don't want to know. I have more important things to deal with.