This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Tall Charlie
DATE: March 19, 1979 3:56 PM
SUBJECT: One Final Assignment

The combination for my gun cabinet in the main conference room is 16-32-5. Please grab an appropriate firearm and report to the eastern corner of the soupyards, where Bouillon is chained up. Point the gun at his head and wait for me to ring my bell. As soon as you hear me ring, I want you to kill Bouillon. It is important we both die and go to heaven at the same time.

If I ring the bell twice, that means I have made it through and you are not to shoot Bouillon, my beloved and faithful hound.


TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 19, 1979 5:25 PM
SUBJECT: Still Not Dead

For those of you wondering: No, I am not dead. I have been silent the past hour to conserve strength for one final rally against death. I plan to start this rally in approximately 10 minutes.

I would be very appreciative if you showed some respect and put in an honest day's work. That means no leaving before the boss.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 19, 1979 11:15 PM

For those of you stupid enough to bet against me: you're fired. I have conquered death exactly as I set out to do. Now that I have survived this stroke and bested death, I expect to live a long life with no further health complications. The business day is now over and you may go home. To make up for time lost today on gossip and chitchat, I expect all of you to come in at 6:00 AM tomorrow.

Tall Charlie, bring Bouillon to me. After a long day I need to see a friendly face.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful