This World Desperately Needs More Consoles!

I don't have to tell you how gaming has exploded over the last five or ten years to become a major aspect of the entertainment industry. I don't have to point out that it seems like every six months some manufacturer is shilling some new platform on which you can play games. Development cycles for hardware are shorter than ever and development cycles for software keep increasing to take advantage of the new technology. A good example of this dichotomy is Sony's projected 4th quarter 2001 release for the PS3 and the projected 2054 release date for the new Duke Nukem game.

Neither of these things is necessarily bad. Games keep getting prettier and prettier (read: more flamboyantly colored), and despite the cries of detractors many of them retain just as much depth as older titles. Really old titles, like Fireman Joe and Jail Break. What definitely is bad is the new level of hype hardware and software releases get. The hype is the hideous beast that first shows its ugly head when a new product or title is initially announced and continues to grow until the day the product shows up on store shelves. It is embarrassing to see people blabber on endlessly about how awesome a product is going to be, like they're getting paid money to tell everyone they meet just how cool some new gadget is. Then when said product is released, ridiculous battle lines are drawn over which competing product is better. Normally these arguments and discussions take place on internet forums, but for the sake of attempting humor I will present an example as if champions of two competing platforms are meeting in person. This would never happen in reality, as extended brand loyalty causes the body to secrete a pheromone repulsive to supporters of the opposite brand.

Captain "I Want to Marry a Dreamcast": Shenmu is the best, Jet Grind Radio absolutely blows away anything on the PS2! I love my Dreamcast!

Major "I Spoon My PS2 at Night": Come on you moron, the PS2 has a DVD player built in and has titles like Metal Gear Solid 2 and Gran Turismo 3. I adore my PS2.

Captain "I Want to Marry a Dreamcast": The DVD player sucks ass and neither of those games are even out yet, I can enjoy my Dreamcast now! Don't even try to say the Dreamcast is dead either, I read that Microsoft is going to weld the chipset into the X-Box so you can play Dreamcast games on it.

Major "I Spoon My PS2 at Night": Oh please, the X-Box is going nowhere just like your precious Dreamcast, the PS2 is just getting started and it is here to stay.

Untersturmbanfuehrer "I Close My Eyes and Imagine X-Box When I Masturbate": (walking up) Did I hear you two assholes badmouthing the X-Box?!

This circular argument just keeps sucking in more and more people. Normally I would ignore this sort of nonsense, but with the whole Game Boy Advance hype monster appearing recently and destroying everything in its path like a runaway train, tearing up the tracks, I decided to study the GBA. I examined both the hardware specs and the upcoming game releases to provide you, our valued reader, with a completely objective look at this hot new hardware. You can trust us, because we don't make a goddamn penny off this stupid web site, so how can we be influenced by anything other than our undying hatred of the GBA? I mean…uh…I'm objective, shut up.

Game Boy Advance Hardware Specs

Size: Fits in your hands unless you are a wood elf or a pixie or some shit.
Screen: Small and you can't see it in the dark.
Processing Power: Nintendo managed to cram the processing potential of nearly 5 graphing calculators into this baby.
Controls: I don't know, do you think I looked up facts on this thing?
Style: Slightly resembles one of those sit-down Pac-Man games you used to see at bars and nightclubs back in the eighties. Those bars where the cool people would be dancing and exchanging phone numbers while some loser IT guy sits by himself drinking wine coolers and imagining Ms. Pac Man is his harpy ex-wife swallowing "bank account pellets" in a divorce maze. In other words, it looks goddamn retarded.
Pros: It's a pocket computer device that for once doesn't play MP3s. Jesus Christ, I've got that Weather Girls song coming out of my cell phone, my pager, my Palm Pilot, my watch, my Nomad MP3 player and my class ring. At least Nintendo didn't make me hear it from this hunk of crap.
Cons: I hate this thing. I hate you if you don't hate this thing. I also hate your family for not hating you for not hating this thing.

After looking at the impressive hardware fight card for the GBA, I decided to check and see how some of the software developers were putting this hand held dynamo to use.

Super Mario Remake 5 (Nintendo)
This game reprises Super Mario Ultimate All-Stars 2 for the N64, which was itself a remake of Super Mario All-Star Academy Adventure from the Super Nintendo, which was a game that incorporated and remade all three previous Ultimate Mario Ninja Attack games. It looks just the same as the Super Nintendo version only on a really small screen that you can't see in the dark. There is nothing new about this game, it must be great!

I have no idea. Pokemon Tennis Wrestler (Nintendo)
Figuring there was one genre that they hadn't inserted their cash cows into, the brain trust at Nintendo has created a Tennis game featuring Pikachu and the gang. All of the characters have the same stats and tennis ability, but you get to collect them, then challenge other Pokemon to a game of tennis. While the game itself isn't fun at all, the act of doing work to collect all the tennis Pokemon makes it highly pleasurable. It introduces two new Court Pokemon; Hingischu and Kornokomander. It's also just a remake of some NES Tennis game.

Link Does Something with a Flute and That Goddamn Tri-Force (Nintendo)
Everyone's favorite effeminate elf makes a return to a Nintendo system! Hot off of the life-changing adventures of Majora's Mask for the N64, that little go-getter Link must battle his way through a bunch of silly castle levels and fight non-threatening monsters in more flowery meadows, all in the hopes of competing in hillbilly Ganon's flute hoedown. There is something vaguely disturbing about every game in this series released since the original Legend of Zelda. Highly recommended!

Conkers Swear Kart Racing (Rareware)

Proof that GBA developers are maroons.That foul mouthed squirrel and his companions have returned and this time they've decided to rip off Mario Kart on a 2x2 inch screen. By using whatever silly ass link system I'm sure the GBA has, you can now go head to head with up to seven of your friends. Racers include; Conkers, Great Mighty Poo, The Panther King, the cast of "Glengarry Glen Ross", a personified vagina named Cunty and ultimate trash-talker Samuel L. Jackson. Expect lots of movie references and even more cursing. The game play is of course every bit as retarded as all of the Mario racing games, only instead of turtle shells you can shoot dicks.

They Still Aren't Making a New River City Ransom Game (No One!)
You heard it here first. Those morons are still not making another River City Ransom game! When will they learn that America is clamoring for more RCR? Damn, until these companies wise up I guess I'll just have to read this magazine and keep trying to learn Acro Circus.

I hope I provided you Game Boy Advance sycophants with even more to brag about to your foes, because after all, demonstrating that your preferred gaming platform is the best makes your penis grow. For all of you out there who hate the GBA and love some other platform, you're not going to get any smarter licking screenshots of Silent Hill II. Semper Sic Nintendo!

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– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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