DOYLE MUST SELL EVERY LEFTOVER FIREWORK! HE SPENDS HIS OFF SEASON IN TAMPA AND DOES NOT WANT TO HIRE A SECURITY GUARD! THESE PRICES ARE DERANGED!
ULTIMATE BLACK CAT MEGA WHEELS!!!! The size of a tractor tire. Each wheel contains 160 million Black Cats. Our biggest Black Cat wheel. Burns for approximately nine seconds and releases enough smoke to be visible from space.
9/11 TWIN TOWERS GOD BLESS. Double fountains printed with World Trade Centers. Light up the night to commemorate this tragic day. Burns orange to green and ends with eagle shaped smoke blasters.
Coon Chasers are BACK. We settled the lawsuit and our MOST PROBABLY RACIST firework since our Mario Manglers and Ho Chi Minh Dental Floss has returned. Features an adorable raccoon character and a picture of what might be the President. A great companion to South Will Rise, our 16-fountain tribute to the burning of Atlanta.
I
F YOU HAVE MORE THAN SEVEN FINGERS YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH!
GRASSLEY our biggest Chuck Grassley firework since SPINNING GRASSLEYS! Launches flaming balls over 100 feet into the air. Light up the whole neigborhood with GRASSLEY.
Our CISTERMINATOR 100-shot mega battery annihilates cis privilege. The fifth gender is EXPLOSIONS.
TOO SOON launches sparkling rocket volleys that tweet about tragedy. Be the first on your block with a firework joke about a massacre, celebrity death, or natural disaster.
BRING IN YOUR BABY AND GET A FREE STRIP OF 500 BLACK CATS!
DO YOU DARE TO ENTER OUR HALL OF HEROES?
The most dangerous leftover fireworks Doyles has to offer are on sale now.
DOWNTON ABBLITERATOR celebrates secrets, romance, and the period splendor of Chinese-made candleballs. Launches flaming, exploding rocket balls from top and bottom. They're so different and yet so much alike.
Mortar rounds made in third world countries by children ready to explode IMMEDIATELY.
Our first all metal firework LOS PIRANHA.
Secure your home with ADTNT motion-activated fireworks.
Hit your F-spot with our first intimate bedroom firework THE GREEK CANDLE. Launches incendiary orb volleys of 18 directly into your prostate.
BUY NOW OR WE'LL LIGHT YOUR GRANDPA ON FIRE!
DOYLE IS THAT DERANGED!
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This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- Only Attractive People can Shop at Abercrombie & Fitch
- Memos from Bear Cave: The Taste of Treachery
- Subj: THINGS STOLEN BY BULLDOG
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- If Films Were Reviewed Like Video Games
