Shhhhhhhhh. Please, I will wait for everyone to settle. My soft, high voice can only become so loud.
Many moons have gone by since I peeped out of the door. No more debates for me. No more t... tussling about policies. It has been too rowdy out there for me. I... I suspect too rowdy for some of you? I hope so.
I want to help. My platform is still books.
Good books so y... you can read them for me. Nice stories with innocent characters. Honey for milk. It's so good. I would like a cup now. And also down into my cellar. It is good down there. Come down and I will be President and we will be happier.
I have not won any states and only one delegate. The crone from Caroline has given me her grapes. I am proud to carry them in my pouch.
But loud and vulgar is a scary way to be. More people have put their notches against this than for this way. The President should be a consensus and everything is agreeable in my cellar. I am the only creature with a shaggy body. It is warm and soft. You may touch it.
I have written a speech to consider the rowdiest guys. Please hum for me while I say it.
A... awesome America. This country is down in the ground like the roots. It needs to grow out and into the sky.S... some man wants to say that he has a vulgar part of considerable stature. I have no vulgar part. I am smooth as this nectarine.They pose their children. My children are still in egg.They talk about war. The only war I know is to keep up with cleaning my honey jugs. It is t-time we cut back on Navy because the boat is a betrayal of water. By the way.Do you want a man who speaks loud with strange hair or do you desire to live in my cellar, with a gentle creature, eating grapes? My hair is stranger and I am very quiet so long as you do not t-t-touch the egg.In closing.Thank you.
Do you like my speech? When I give this speech I will stand beside the flag I made with the dots. I also have my friend, Porridge, to stand beside me and stare into the distance. He was born without eyes but sees dreams of the future.
In this moment of need I am ready. P... put your votes together into the pool and choose me at the convention. I will send the crone to speak on my behalf I cannot leave my house.
I will unite the conservative and the liberal and the shrieky burrowmates and the no eye grotto dwellers. All friends.
Goodbye until I am president.
–
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Previous Articles
- My Talking Dog Won't Stop Talking
- Unsolicited Advice for Freelance Writers
- Your Cat's Guide to Dry Food
- OPINION: Doctor Ben Carson Was at Last Night's Debate
- Oh Great, Another Giger Bar
