Hello folks! Oh boy am I ever excited about the new gnome season! It's been almost a year since my last report to you from the Sprite and Gnome Exhibition informing you of the newest editions of gnomes to adorn your lawns and protect you from warlocks. This was a banner year for gnome enthusiasts around the world to rejoice over the advancing gnome styles to reflect the changes in our culture and society. While some may say that gnomery in general is a dying art because kids these days are too busy playing video games, I truly believe that these hip styles will make new generations of fans that will spread this ancient hobby throughout the world until the people will be pacified enough for a non-violent takeover of the world's government, allowing for a despot such as myself to rule the planet with an iron, yet silky smooth fist.
It has also been about a year since I secretly hid a very special gnome in Zack "Cuddlenaps" Parsons apartment while visiting his native city of Chicago. While I planted the gnome in his happy household without his knowledge, my only intention was to grant him a windfall of good luck and riches. Must to my dismay I soon realized that instead of hiding a good luck gnome, I had inadvertently had given him a 'Lil Trickster, a nefarious fellow known for his mischievous tomfoolery. Trouble started shortly after I left when the trickster spray painted his cat green, sold all his Panzer tank models on e-bay for extremely low prices, and laid eggs in his ear canal during a nap. Poor Zack had no idea what was going on and I forgot to tell him because I'm lazy. Soon his home turned into a den of nightmares, with random fires sprouting to and fro, and his beloved fiancee getting bombarded with magic missiles. Finally he captured the little fellow and broke his spirit, using its magic to undo the havoc it caused, and in the end becoming a good gnomish servant. Even though things did turn out ok, please learn from my mistake and never hide a gnome in another person's house without their expressed consent.
It is now my suggestion to you, the Internet reader, is to remove your socks ASAP because this new winter lineup is going to knock them off your feet and out the window, possibly to be used for a bird's nest or rat cubby at a later date. As an avid gnome collector and all around goofy fag, it is my most extreme pleasure to introduce the new line of gnomes for 2004!
Bling Bling Gnome
Just wait one minizzle! The mainstream popularity of the hip hop culture recently reached its pinnacle when Snoop Doggy Dog appeared on an AOL commercial, opposite of Jerry Stiller. Not only are suburban kids looking up to role models like 50 Cent and Mystical, but the box office smash hit “Leprechaun in the Hood” has taken it to a whole new level. To cash in on this urban culture craze, a special model of gnome has been created called the Bling Bling gnome. Unlike its brethren, the Bling Bling gnome is made for the streets, not the gardens. It's adorned with dazzling diamond and gold jewelry and comes with a tight pair of sunglasses. Not only is this a big seller with the wannabe gangstas, this gnome has gotten some street cred from real playas as well. The Bling Bling gnome has been spotted all over the hood, sitting on the lawns and porches of Compton and Long beach, just chillin’ and sipping on gin and juice. With this gnome riding shotgun you’ll be bling blingin' 24-7 g.
Special Features: Alerts owner of incoming drive by’s, electric shock theft deterrent, bulletproof.
After the World Trade Center towers were destroyed, something happened in America that changed the way we live. Patriotism flourished across the nation, prompting everyone to buy bushels of flags by the dozen and accidentally shooting Indians after mistaking them for Arabs. With the ongoing war on terror and the occupation of Iraq, flag waving is as popular as ever. Friendly neighborhood competitions on patriotism is all the rage in suburbia, with folks trying to outdo their peers by displaying the biggest and largest quantity of flags on their houses, lawns, and cars. The Freedom Gnome is the ultimate statement in true patriotism. In fact, it is 10 times more patriotic than an ordinary flag, giving you one up on the neighbors. Display it proudly in front of your home, making terrorists think twice about the evil life they lead. Samuel Johnson once said "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel", but don’t you listen to him because he was a Communist fag and hated puppies too.
Special Features: Terrorist alert (may be set off by paperboy).
This is another new model of gnome that is cashing in on a popular fad with young people. Although the goth culture has been around for over 20 years, it has made a large comeback with Hot Topic stores popping up in malls all over the nation. Wearing black clothing and eyeliner, clown white makeup, and silver crosses is a way for teens to be individuals by dressing like everybody else that wants to be an individual. The Goth gnome is perfect to place in basements with black lights and adds a somber, ambient air to coffee houses and dark clubs. When placed outside amongst the dead leaves of Fall, it looks as though it's wistfully lamenting over seasons past, or pondering the time it caught herpes from playing vampire. I do not recommend mixing this gnome with any other model as it's likely to get even more morose and might even commit suicide by breaking itself on the sidewalk. With this gnome, everyday is Halloween.
Special Features: Realistic tears, direct connection to suicide hotline, 200% more depressed.
While most gnomes are naturally used for outdoor placements to protect gardens and groves, this new model is designed for the indoor environment. Thanks to the magic of television and the hip new fad of morbid obesity, less and less people are venturing outside into the scathing light of day. In order to accommodate this growing demographic, the indoor gnome is great company for television watching, and a cozy nap buddy. Built with special stain guard technology, the indoor gnome also serves as a drink and snack caddy. It can be placed on the coffee table or next to the couch, but the most common placement is the Laz-E Boy. Often those who purchase the indoor gnome wonder how they ever got along without it. (Warning: The Indoor gnome may kill household pets in territorial struggles for power).
Special Features: VCR Programming, channel memory, bottle opener.
This new edition of gnome is very special. It is specially designed to to look exactly like a toaster appliance. In fact, if you plug this gnome into an electrical outlet, it will even brown bread just like a real toaster! Made by Black and Decker, this very unusual gnome is half off when you purchase the new Blender Gnome at most retail stores. This is truly a bargain not to be missed!. (Warning: If the Toaster Gnome is left outside during inclimate weather, it may damage its ability to toast bread. Do not stick metal objects into the Toaster Gnome while plugged in.)
Special Features: Toasts bread, one year warranty.
Hellberry Tactical Defense Gnome (The Widowmaker)
The US Military has just unveiled their 40 billion dollar tactical defense gnome program for deployment in the front lines of Iraq, and other hotspots around the globe. It is fully equipped with a complement of surface-to-air missiles (SAMs), 8 Sidewinders, one Hellfire missile, and a full range of anti-personal close combat weaponry. Its armour is composed of Army made LIBA material that is super lightweight and can withstand high caliber rounds at close range. The first shipment of Hellberrys went out last month and have already been placed at combat outposts around Iraq. Rumsfield calls this new gnome "a weapon that will turn the tide of this war by crushing those sand grandmas into the desert". As for homeowners and crazy militias that want to get their hands on one of these, a toned down version is now for sale to the public. It was stripped down of the missiles, but is still equipped with a .50 caliber machine gun, Napalm charges, and a nerve gas spray. The Hellberry Tactical Defense Gnome is the ultimate in home protection.
Special Features: SAM missile battery, anti-personal scatter grenades, folds into combat knife.
Wow, what a wonderful season of gnomes! I don't know about you, but I need to change my undergarments because now they're filled with hot sperm! Although I haven't bought any of these awesome new models yet, I will be attending the Gnomecon 2k4 in Las Vegas along with Weekend Web's Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez. The great thing about going on a road trip with Zachary is that he's of Mexican decent and I'm Polish. Let me tell you, it always ends up being a head-on collision course of wackiness full of culture clashing hijinks that would leave you in stitches, much like the movie Rush Hour II. Last time he was all like, "Who put a potato in my taco?" and I was all like, "I didn't do it!" It's a riot! Well, have a great weekend everybody and may Loki the god of mischief bless you all.
Cliff Yablonski has less than affable feelings towards your person.
Boy oh boy! Introducing Cliff Yablonski is like a dream come true to me. I've been a big fan of Cliff for years, even though he once called me a greasy little fag muffin when I met him at the White Castle where he then preceded to choke the Indian clerk behind the counter and slip on some onions. Today Cliff to take on four pages of you ugly ducklings!
Awesome. This is some raw street justice you don't want to miss. CLICK HERE DUMBY!
– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz