Help Us, Save Us, Take Us Away!

These people are all praying. However, the joke's on them: THEY'RE PRAYING TO THE WRONG GOD! HA HA HA! SUCKERS!!!

Before succumbing to the restless sleep which haunts me each night, I often descend to my knees, put my hands together, and pray to God. Sometimes I accidentally pray to Jesus as well, because frankly I don't know if there's any difference between praying to God or Jesus. Both seem fairly indifferent to my wants and needs, so I guess I could hypothetically pray to the bale of hay that's been sitting in our parking lot for the past year and I'd still be about as well off. Regardless, I bow my head and say the following prayer to either Jesus or God each night:

"Dear whomever I am currently praying to,

Please bless the following: Emily, my family, Cat, Satan, myself, our computers, the Dow Jones, James Woods, the makers of whatever prescription narcotic I chose to abuse this night, helpful ghosts, Team Rocket, and all our bombs that are going to fall on filthy Muslims.

Please do not bless the following: Louie Anderson, every single employee at Real Networks, Honda CRXs, those little yappy-insect-dogs, our next door neighbor who has an uncontrollable urge to throw a series of heavy boxes against his wall at 4:00 am, and the US Post Office.

Please un bless the following: Jesus and the Pope. Frankly, everybody and their mother prays for these two guys and it wouldn't hurt to know them off their holy high horse for a while.

Thank you very much and have a bitchin' summer dude,

- Richiepookins"

I'm not sure if the deity of my choice has been paying particular attention to my prayers because I asked Him for the complete "Get a Life" seasons 1 and 2 DVD collection three years ago, and all I've gotten are those four crappy Rhino Record volumes. Then again, I was praying in an area which had a lot of radio antennae and noise pollution, so perhaps the prayer didn't get through. I should've sacrificed a virgin or sexually assaulted an altar boy or whatever good Catholics do these days to show God that they really think he's the tops.

Can you spot the terrorist in this picture? I can; THEY ARE ALL OBVIOUSLY TERRORISTS!!!

Regardless, I've been routinely praying for Jesus to warn me of possible terrorist threats lately. According to every available news outlet, three out of every two of us could very well be a terrorist planning on using nuclear kites loaded with explosives to blow up popular downtown carpet stores. Our government hasn't been particularly effective in stopping this terrorist threat. For example, John Ashcroft recently started "Operation: TIPS" which simply advises good, all-American, red-blooded citizens to give more money to their waiter when eating out in fancy dining establishments. How could this possibly keep me from getting blown up by Middle East wackos when I'm taking my monthly holy pilgrimage to Akron, Ohio? I have no idea, but I think my repeated prayers for protection from terrorism might've finally gotten through to "the Man upstairs." And no, I'm not talking about the dead bum Emily crammed into the crawlspace above our apartment.

ATOM BOMB PLUGS FOR OUR HOMES - Every home in the country could soon be fitted with a talking plug to warn of a terrorist, nuclear or biological strike, Government sources confirmed to the Western Daily Press yesterday. The hi-tech devices, which should cost about £20and could be fitted in any room, would be able to deliver text and voice messages instructing people to "get out" or "stay in". The forward-thinking plug idea would work by using existing computer software to transmit messages to electricity sub-stations. Internet e-mail, mobile phone messages and digital TVs are also being examined as means to transmitting warnings.

For once in my life my prayers have been answered! I, like many other Americans across the globe, list "terrorism" as my number one concern, narrowly edging out "falling into a water fountain while trying to grab a quarter from it" and "seeing a closeup of Lance Hendrickson's divot-scarred face." Not a day goes by when I fail to report a "shady" looking character to John Ashcroft personally. I see somebody who looks suspicious (they have a beard, a hat, are driving a car, or something else intensely terrorist-related) and instantly call John Ashcroft collect or by dialing 10-10-321. Usually a woman answers and says "thank you for calling Ron Popeil's Microwavable Dog Sweater Masturbation Kit, how many I help you?" and I begin giving her as many details as I can before she hangs up. Now, thanks to the miracles of past technology, I will have to worry no longer, as my talking electrical plug will warn me of the impending apocalypse!

I did a little "research" (read as: "taking codeine") and found the following list of warnings that the highly British talking electrical anti-terrorist plug of eternal joy emits during particular critical events. Here's an abridged list of the different warnings given and their meaning:

This would be the Ultra model of the Talking Death Plug. The Regular model would simply be a tape recorder glued to a photo of Rutger Hauer's face.

Now while this early warning system seems incredibly useful and critical in the war against terrorism or the Al Queda or plaque and tooth decay or whatever the hell we're currently fighting, I believe it also opens the door for a plethora of new functions and exciting opportunities. As mentioned in the article, the Plug of Eternal Hope connects to your PC, television, mobile phone, washing machine, icemaker, vibrator, and electric tie rack. This widespread series of communication devices present an excellent opportunity for advertisers to hop on the bandwagon and use it to their advantage. After all, these terrorist plug thingies aren't free, so somebody has to foot the bill! I doubt our government will pay for them since they're too busy giving money to let black children play basketball at midnight. We could use the money cigarette companies are paying to each state for giving babies cancer, but all that cash is going to pay for the redecoration of senators' bathrooms.

With this in mind, I propose we allow advertisers to sponsor these electric deathplug messages. They could present their paid advertisement in the same fashion that newscasts around America do: begin with a teaser, launch into their ad, and then reveal the message. Here are a couple examples:

"Certain chemicals in the air around your house may kill you and your family. Are you safe from this deadly menace? We'll expose this deadly disease right after a word from our sponsor, Baskin Robbins, who reminds you that their 31 mouth-watering flavors now include 'Punky Plywood' and 'Sugary Meat'. Now back to our previous announcement in progress. These death-inducing chemicals, known as 'carbon dioxide,' are currently floating around everywhere. When you encounter some of this deadly carbon dioxide, be sure to inhale plenty of oxygen to counteract its negative effects. Now for a little message from your friends down at Mike & Steve's Lumber Shack!"

Since the Doom Plug connects to your computer, television, and cellphone as well, smart advertisers could also create genius campaigns such as the following:

Finally, all my prayers have been answered: I will be safe from terrorist attacks, learn new and exciting ways to maximize the speed of my computer, and have a series of speaking electrical outlets strewn throughout my home! Thank you very much for rewarding me, God! Oh, and if you have an extra moment, will you please do something to piss off Jesus? I'm still kind of mad at him for that time when he smited all those guys at the temple. What a jerk.

Battlefield Earth!

Zack "Gumby Exterminator" Parsons here, this week instead of a Hentai review I've decided to take a look at the game I've been spending most of my time playing. That game is Battlefield 1942, the hottest online squad-based First Person Shooter to come out since Fireman Joe hit arcades in 1981!

The computer loves to drive tanks. It will take any tank it can find and then immediately drive it straight towards a location where it can jam the tank and effectively immobilize it. The computer is so good at this that if there are seemingly no obstructions around that the computer could possibly jam the tank into, it will team up with other computer controlled tanks and creates a panzer gridlock on a bridge or road.

What a wonderful game with a whole bargain bin overflowing with horrible problems! If you want to find out more then head on over and check out my review!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)