I Try To Explain To My Son What l33tspeak Is, And How It Can Help Him

[THIS IS AN EXACT TRANSCRIPTION, RECORDED ON MY IPHONE]

ASTERIOS: OK, so when someone says "lol" do you know what that means?

KEVIN: That they think you are funny.

ASTERIOS: OK but...the actual letters L-O-L, do you know what that means?

KEVIN: That doesn't mean anything.

ASTERIOS: No, it's actually short for "laughing out loud." And that's what we did when we used l33tspeak. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

KEVIN: OK.

ASTERIOS: So let's talk about computer hacking.

KEVIN: OK.

ASTERIOS: If you're good at hacking, you're "l33t," which means "elite." It's spelled L-3-3-T.

KEVIN: OK.

ASTERIOS: But you can also make fun of someone else's hacking by going, "you are teh l33t hax0r my ninja."

KEVIN: OK.

ASTERIOS: Do you have any questions so far?

KEVIN: Yes.

ASTERIOS: Save 'em 'till the end. OK, so, onto w00t. Now w00t, spelled with two zeroes, is how we would celebrate each other, or ourselves.

KEVIN: Why should I care about any of this.

ASTERIOS: Because you can be the boy who brings it back.

[A PAUSE]

KEVIN: Why would I do that?

ASTERIOS: Because you'll be cool! You'll be cool on the internet! You'll bring l33tspeak back, people will think you invented it, you'll get rich!

KEVIN: If I use any of those words, they're gonna call me a faggot.

ASTERIOS: Hey, don't talk like that, I'm recording this.

KEVIN: WHAT?

ASTERIOS: I told you! You're bringing this back! I wanted to tape record the moment when you realized you could bring this back!

KEVIN: DAD, I DON'T WANT TO.

ASTERIOS: You'll start by calling pirated software "warez," with a Z, like "Softwarez!"

KEVIN: GOODBYE, DAD.

ASTERIOS: They're all gonna think you r0xx0r!

[KEVIN SLAMS THE HALLWAY DOOR]

ASTERIOS: Dammit. Dammit!

[ASTERIOS KICKS A FOOTSTOOL ACROSS THE KITCHEN FLOOR]

ASTERIOS: Why do I always have to be such a lamer?

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)