Some generic clipart insinuating that two giants shake hands in the center of the Earth, thereby creating pie charts and clocks.

Our worlds are constantly defined by the breaking news which surrounds us. For example, some news just broke to the back of me and caused me to leave the room because it strangely enough smelled like the Mexican food I ingested last night at the restaurant owned by five fat brothers who haven't washed since the cold war. In a day and age where information can travel faster than Superman (and is not required to wear such a faggy outfit), we sometimes find ourselves suffering from "news overload." We're bombarded with so much raw data, facts, and opinions that our brains begin to shut down and belch out smoke like a coal locomotive which is on fire because the union leader was drinking behind the wheel and fell asleep due to the fact that his wife locked him out of the house the previous night after she found out he was engaging in extra-marital affairs with the town hooker, a woman with a heart of gold and possibly blood and muscle too. News overload affects each and every one of us; why just this morning I turned on the 8:00 AM news and immediately fell down to the ground, blacking out and unable to see or hear anything except blood-curdling screeches. This was mainly because one of my cats had launched himself to my head and gripped onto it like a facehugger attempting to impregnate my skull with its eggs, but I'm fairly sure news overload directly influenced the cat to do so.

With news overload sweeping the world by storm, it is becoming increasingly difficult to weed out the "more important" stories from the surrounding sediment. While sites such as attempt to link the more interesting and intriguing bits of information and sum them up with descriptively hilarious sentences such as "France surrenders" and "Duke sucks," there aren't really many websites out there that cover the real news and provide the reader with enough data to keep them knowledgeable without stumbling into information overload. As a responsible webmaster and representative of Sickle Cell Disease victims everywhere, I feel it is my responsibility to point out how desperately we need a website to accomplish such goals while simultaneously doing absolutely nothing to rectify this problem. Now let's take a look at a few of the front page news items shaping our moldy, germ-encrusted world today!

Martha Stewart gets the gas chamber for killing Jews and using their cremated remains to form her award-winning line of home decorations - Actually, I'm not really sure exactly what Martha Stewart did, but it was evil. Highly evil. Like Darth Vadar only with an even more creepy, less human-shaped mask over their face. Stewart used to model in the 1960's, back when you could be ugly as all fuck yet advertise products if you were white and had at least 19 pounds of hair fashioned in the shape of a pinecone or atomic bomb above your head. She became a stock broker and caterer shortly before writing for such best-selling publications as House Beautiful, Entertaining, Hellbeast Quarterly, and the ever popular Your House Is a Goddamn Dump You Lousy Slut. This popularity was infinitely magnified once she began regularly appearing on "The Today Show," informing the female population of the American public how inferior they were compared to her and the futuristic domestic skills she possessed, handed down by Jesus Christ himself. Stewart used her fame and fortune to create much more fame and fortune, mostly in the form of a lucrative K-Mart contract which gave $5,000,000 up front and 50% of the profits every time somebody bought a plate that had Martha Stewart's name scrawled across the bottom by homeless Vietnamese children chained to radiators in an abandoned saltwater processing plant.

Stewart seen here with something even more ugly than her face, thereby distracting bored housewives from her hideous visage.

Her "rags to riches" story has recently turned into a "rags to riches and then back to rags again" story as Stewart was recently indicted by the United States government for lying to the SEC. The U.S. Attorney revealed that Stewart and her former stockbroker lied about their association with ImClone, a company who she sold 3,928 shares of stock in shortly before the company announced the FDA did not approve their up and coming product, an anti-virus which would kill all Martha Stewart genes. If convicted, she could face up to 30 years in jail, which would be highly unfair to the other inmates in her ward and probably grounds for another lawsuit. Her lawyers fired back by asking if the government brought the case "because (Stewart) is a woman who has successfully competed in a man's business world by virtue of her talent, hard work and demanding standards?" I'm no successful defense attorney, but for god's sake, using the sexism card in this case is about the worst game plan ever. First off, her attorneys would have to hire a bunch of scientists to perform repeated DNA test that prove she's actually a female and not a creature from the inner core of the sun. Secondly, they'd have to establish that the government hates women being in the business environment, and that's simply not true because I've seen plenty of porn where a woman secretary is welcomed with open arms (and legs) during an average workday. Those women are called "white collar" workers. Ha ha, get it? Get it? That's a joke referring to semen and ejaculation, which is funny.

Sammy Sosa "accidentally" uses corked bat; baseball's sterling reputation tarnished - "Slammin" Sammy Sosa, who is known throughout the world as a person who both plays baseball and speaks intelligibly with his complex native Martian language, was ejected from a Cubs vs. Devil Rays game after umpires found corks inside his shattered bat. The process of "corking" a bat is thought to make players hit the ball further, as revolutionary cork technology has been used for ages in such military weapons as the M1962 Williams Corklaunching Sodium Warhead which saw little to no action in the 1987 Battle of Atlantis. Cubs manager Dusty Baker claimed Sosa simply made an honest mistake, and Sosa agreed. "Awl reeght heeting awhl dauh bayssbull eehn a porruuk sumbula," Sosa remarked in a recent press conference. "Heets awl guh vee deeztinz ees nots ahz eww uhh muuuhmphraa gloomtunk." A reporter for ESPN asked Sosa to clarify that statement, particularly the "muuuhmphraa gloomtunk" assertion, but the building had to be evacuated after somebody reported being "soaked with sodium" on the bottom floor. Bomb experts were called in and are still looking for a "dirty corkbomb." Previous corked bat users include such popular names as Wilton Guerrero, Albert Belle, Billy Hatcher, and Chris Sabo, the first successful man-dog hybrid to play in the major leagues.

Bikinis are a crucial part towards developing peace in the Middle East.

Peace in the Middle East achieved yet again - President Bush has continued to make major league history by achieving peace in the Middle East for the record-breaking 287th time in less than two years. His recent Israeli-Palestinian pact, dubbed the "Pact of Stop Fucking Shooting Yourselves Already," has gained international support from many countries who'd like to have more money from the US. I haven't really brushed up on this peace plan, as there's a new one written every goddamn 19 seconds, but I'm sure it has something to do about the Israelis withdrawing 20 feet backwards, then moving a bit to the left, then maybe a bit more back, and then a bit to the right while a spectacular laser light show and disco music plays in the background. The Palestinians would be able to reclaim some land which was previously theirs, which will make them happy until they realize all the land was previously theirs, and then gunfire will erupt once again. Many industry insiders believe that although the 287th peace plan has a good backing and great momentum, the 851st will truly "get the ball rolling" and set up the 1,542nd which will create strong groundwork for the 4,987th that will lay the foundation for the 382,199th peace plan. By that time our planet will have been destroyed by the Atomic Squid People From Dimension X, so who the hell will care anyway? The Squid People care not about religious artifacts! The Squid People only care about one thing, and that's the Squid People!

Weapons of mass destruction "really hard to find" in Iraq - The United States and Britain are being questioned by various filthy, unpatriotic hippies about previous administration claims that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction including nuclear warheads, poison gas, man-eating tractors, snakes which could fly helicopters, and a big black hovering pyramid which turned sound into energy and could travel through time to kill George "WMD" Bush Jr.'s mom before she could give birth to him. After the successful war on Iraq, which lasted approximately 19 hours and took the lives of almost both people, coalition forces are scrambling to find any evidence of such weapons. Apparently this is a big shock to a few idiots who honestly thought the US government was telling the truth when they said Iraq posed a threat to the entire world with their invisible, stealth-technology nuclear warheads that could morph into houses and fool international weapons inspectors and cutting-edge satellite imagery. British Prime Minister Tony Blair has reassured the House of Commons that, "the weapons are there. Honestly. I swear to god. I saw them just the other day, they were behind a fruit stand and they were insulting the Queen." Then he mentioned something about sweeping chimneys and freshening tea in his lorry while watching the tellie. Likewise, US Secretary of State Colin Powell is preparing to give US lawmakers and the UN a Powerpoint presentation about Iraq's arms, which contains many colorful clipart images of men in business suits shaking hands. Most of the debate revolves around a government report filed in September which claimed Iraq "could launch chemical or biological attacks within 45 minutes." Powell and Blair both claim the 45 minute countdown timer "hasn't been started yet," and once it does, oh boy, we'll really be in big trouble then. Some US lawmakers are considering a bill which would make it illegal to do anything in 45 minutes, thereby reducing the amount of potential terrorism.


Woman falls off roller coaster and dies because she stood up in the middle of the ride - I don't know why this is news. Maybe some people out there aren't aware that "getting up and falling to your death" isn't exactly the best thing to do during a roller coaster ride. If you're one of these people, consider yourself informed. Tamar Fellner, a person who had previously lived 32 years of her life without killing herself in a ridiculously stupid way, died after falling out of the "The Raven" roller coaster ride at the Holiday World theme park. Her family members declined to comment, although many industry experts assume this was a pretty bad holiday for them. A lawsuit is being proposed to make sure that all roller coasters will either be banned or have a track length of less than three feet by the year 2005.

NBA Finals matches up the New Jersey Nets and the San Antonio Spurs - Christ, basketball season ends? I always assumed that basketball just went on and on and on for infinity like the NHL. The NBA has been playing games every day, every hour, for the past 398 years or so. This year's contest will see such famous names as "Kerry Kittles" square off against "Stephen Jackson," both of whom are probably either tall or black or possibly both. Haha, Kerry Kittles. Kerry Kittles. Try saying that, it's a load of fun. Kerry Kittles. KERRY KITTLES! Since sports commentators love using computer simulators to predict which team will win, I decided to do the same and use an advanced, complex piece of machinery (the X-Box) to determine who would win in a post-season matchup. According to "Major League Slugfest 2004," the Angels will win, so I guess Kerry Kittles is out of a job. Hahahaha, Kerry Kittles!!!

What an exciting and dynamic world we live in! I hope today's update has helped to sift through the important news items so you could get a better grasp on the events occurring around us, thereby preventing you from catching a case of news overload. Even if it hasn't, you got to see me use the name "Kerry Kittles" over and over again. Kerry Kittles. Kerry Kittles. Kerry Kittles. KERRY KITTLES!!!

The Dangerousest of Vaults!

Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons here. I spend a lot of my time playing and reviewing Hentai Games for Something Awful and believe me I enjoy the time I spend not doing this. I hold it dearly. Yet somehow I have managed to review a non-Hentai game that features animal sex and horrible game play. In fact after playing "Dangerous Vaults" I am almost looking forward to next week's Hentai Game review. Yes, it is that bad.

You'll notice that I mentioned enemies. That's because Tara is no innocent bystander to the rapes in Dangerous Vaults, she is the sole rape victim available to a wide variety of creatures that I will be nice about and refer to as "creatively textured". Based on the description of Dangerous Vaults on the Near Fatal web site you would think that Tara is really looking forward to being humped by animals, but the truth hurts, and so do animal rapes. While Mr. Monkey is pumping away at Tara's misshapen thighs he's also draining her health bar faster than drowning does in the game.

Go, read the review, but be warned that there are naked crude polygons on that page. And whatever you do, don't download Dangerous Vaults from the link I provided. You will pray for God to strike you down.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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