Blue Stripe: The Life and Times of Darth Vader's Physical Therapist

This article is part of the The Blue Stripe Logs series.

Therapy Diary Day 15
Some Quick Observations

Only later did the extent of Vader's tantrums become clear.Vader is crabby and one of the worst patients I have ever dealt with. If he stumbles or falls over then he throws a tantrum that involves throwing crap around the room with his mind and roaring in that robot voice of his. When one of his tantrums starts I just have to get out of the way and hope a barbell doesn't cave in my head.

When he's not having a fit because he can't do a full set on the leg machine he tends to talk about how he "senses" things. Lots of talk about sensing ships and people and enemies and presences. Always with the presences. He also seems to be pretty conflicted about his son. He keeps mentioning the kid, but I get the feeling he's not sure if he wants to reunite with him or chop him in half with that glowy sword thing of his.

Vader does have a great sense of humor for an evil overlord. He's a real practical joker. Yesterday when I was setting up a stationary bicycle for him I accidentally lost my grip on it and it fell over with a clatter. He roars like it's tantrum time and lifts me up off the ground with his mind. I just know I'm going to end up like Ssteve, but his yelling turns into this creepy HER HER HER laugh of his and he puts me back down.

The one thing I am really concerned about is his diet. He eats these bowls of broth and meat that he sort of slurps up through this thick straw that comes out of his mask. I asked him if he could take his mask off to eat and he said that he could if he was in his meditation chamber. I suggested he let me bring him some new foods to try and I really talked up the cleansing benefits of a raw food diet. I think it will do wonders for him and could probably lighten his mood.

He reluctantly agreed, so I am working with Shelly and the kitchen staff to put together a variety platter for him. If that works I think I'm going to try putting him on a full dietary cleanse. Maybe like a two week no-solids dealio with a colonic to finish things off. It's not really me field of expertise, but how hard can it be? Just stick a tube up there and pour in some water.

Therapy Diary Day 16
Another Outburst

More like his tantrum chamber.That did not go well.

While Vader was off in the cockpit of the spaceship, or wherever he goes, I snuck into his room with a cart of food and started setting up his raw food meal in his mediation chamber. Not a lot of elbow room in there, but there are these little shelves just big enough for a plate. I went tapas style and picked out a lot of finger-foods so that he could try lots of different things.

I had all kinds of veg sticks, an almond pumpkin pate, some of these adorable little sprouted sunflower patties on no-bake pitas. I think they were pressed buckwheat. And they had a little drizzle of chipotle-infused olive oil and a wedge of pistachio cheese. Fresh fruits, some mint yogurt, my tummy was rumbling like crazy just looking at it.

Then Vader storms in and says, "What are you doing in my quarters?!"

RAR! Temper, temper, jeez-o-petes! I'm lucky I wasn't in your thirds!

I tell Vader that I have set up a banquet for him and he stalks over to the meditation chamber. He looks down at the food and then back at me. I think he is going to just smash it all off of there without tasting anything.

"Thank you," Vader says, "this is most surprising."

He sits down and, for the first time, I get to see his face. He looks kind of like an albino version of my guidance counselor from high school, only he's got all kinds of scars and machinery and stuff on his face. Vader picks up one of the sunflower patties and smells it, then takes a tentative bite. He chews and chews, looks over at me, and smiles and nods his head. I relax a fraction and that's when his expression turns angry.

Never try to do this guy a favor."This is garbage!" He wheezes with rage. "I would not feed this to a prisoner."

With the power of his mind he throws all of the food out of his chamber and against the wall. Then he stomps out and lifts me into the air and starts choking me. His eyes are burning with hatred.

"You have made your last mistake," Vader says.

"I did it," I manage to gasp, "because I…care."

His eyebrows go up and he drops me instantly.

"You're right," he says, "what have I become? You were just trying to do something nice for me and I…leave me now, my friend."

What. A. Drama Queen.

Therapy Diary Day 25
Lord Vader the Matchmaker

Vader was wheezing and struggling through a Pilates workout with me. He's probably not ready for that sort of thing, way too stiff, but he insisted on trying it out and I'm not going to stand in his way. Anyway, as he's working on his powerhouse he still manages to choke out some words.

"You know," he booms, "you should…get to know…Shelly better."

I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"

"Yes, she is an attractive human female and she desires your companionship."

"She told you that?" I ask.

"In so many…words…she did."

I tell him to start radiating the strength out from his chest and we start with the lower body.

"I hate to break it you," I say as I demonstrate the exercise, "but I am really not into her, if you-"

Vader stops mid-squat and holds up his hand to interrupt me.

"No more," he booms, "do not…tell me. We have a policy…"

Don't we all, Mr. Vader. I just tell him that I understand and that I'm not looking for any sort of love. Vader seems to accept that and we get back to the workout. But, oh man, that Shelly must have a case of the Xargos something terrible if she's getting Vader to set us up.

Maybe he just sensed her feeling using that Force thing he goes on and on about. Although, if that is the case, then I wonder how he didn't sense my reverse Force or whatever you call it.

Therapy Day 44
A Trip to Coruscant

It's the one thing he seems to like.Vader had some big space battle to attend to above Coruscant, so I had a couple free hours to shuttle down and spend some money. I bought Vader a new sauna suit that I think might help him shed some of those extra pounds. I found some great kelp wraps for muscle pain from Mon Calamari that will be great for Vader's legs. Don't tell anyone in the navy, but I also found out that Mandalorians have all of the same equipment down south as us humans.

So I get back to the Executioner after the big space battle and Vader calls me in for a late-night cool down. He's pretty wound up from the battle so I give him a massage and suggest he spend most of his time in the wading pool. He agrees and starts in on a three-mile routine, which is really indicative of the progress we have made together. He was doing a mile at the most when I started with him.

I figure Vader will want to talk about the space battle, but all he wants to talk about is his kid.

"Xargos," he says, "someday I will rule the galaxy with my son."

I tell him that sounds like a good idea, but he's not even listening to me. He starts going on and on about wiping out the Jedis and bringing balance to the force. He even talks about all these people I've never heard of like Patty and Mace Wando. For all his monochromatic evil, Vader has one heck of a colorful history.

"I don't know what to do though," Vader gripes, "I want to reunite with my son, but I feel as if pursuing him will just cause him to rebel even more."

"Let him come to you," I suggest, barely paying attention at this point.

"Yes," Vader says, "yes. There is an opportunity, soon. The Rebel Alliance will…"

His voice trails off and he stops walking.

"Yes, on Endor," he almost sounds happy. "I will bring him to me."

"Sounds good to me," I say, thinking I might get a chance to go to visit some of my old college buddies.

Therapy Diary Day 60
Arrival at Endor

It looks like crap, but word is it's fully operational.We finally showed up at Endor and all I can say is that I am majorly disappointed. There is some sort of big to-do going on here and I am not going to be allowed down onto the planet. Vader said he's leaving to go visit some sort of half-built giant space station they have orbiting Endor. That thing must have gone up in a hurry because I don't remember seeing it up in the sky.

Vader gave me the choice of staying on the Executive or going over to their big space station. Not really much of a choice, but at least the space station will give me some new faces and new places. Two months aboard the ISS Yawnsville is more than enough to make any boy a bit restless.

Vader seemed happy I was going with him and I guess I might get the chance to meet the Emperor. Besides, if there is some big space battle again I'm sure I'll be safe aboard the space station. I don't want to end up like Alan.

I wrote that last one two days ago. Nothing much has happened since then. I did meet the Emperor, but he is just a crazy old meanie and I want nothing to do with him. When I told him that I was a big fan of his Empire's uniforms he just started cackling and shot some poor janitor with lightning. He's like a schizophrenic version of Vader. Take your freaking pills, honey.

Still no space battle, but Vader said he thinks it's going to happen soon. He showed me where there was an observation area where I could watch it happen. I guess this place is called the "Death Star II." I wonder what happened to the "Death Star I?" Ah well, no biggie.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)