Internet critic James Rolfe recently caused some controversy by declaring his refusal to review this summer's upcoming Ghostbusters movie--a completely mature and level-headed response to a mass-market comedy if I've ever heard one. Over the past week, Rolfe's stance provoked endless discussion, something my own content has failed to generate despite the fact that I've refused to review hundreds, if not thousands of movies in my lifetime. That's right: Ghostbusters is no different. Even though as a dork on the Internet I'm apparently obligated to review Ghostbusters 2016, I refuse. And the following bullet points should fully outline my watertight defense.
- Number one: I'm not a film critic. I already ruined my life by deciding to write comedy articles and about video games, and making myself even more unemployable and hated at this juncture would frankly be too much work.
- $12.50 is a lot to pay for a movie I could torrent for free, only to forget I torrented it and ambivalently delete it from my hard drive three years later.
- As someone who grew up with The Real Ghostbusters, I know the only honest and pure interpretation of this IP heavily features a shrieking green orb who acts like a floating Garfield and mostly exists to sell lightly-vitamined sugar water.
- I would like to save myself the pain of watching disappointed, culturally illiterate children leave the theater saying, "I liked that better when it was called Pixels."
- For as much I would love to see a ghost cunnilingus variant on Ghostbusters' classic ghost blowjob scene, it will never happen because nothing is more offensive to a moviegoing audience than a woman receiving pleasure.
- Ghostbusters 2 already had the premise of, "What if there's another Ghostbusters, but it's also shitty?"
- The female-driven concept is inherently flawed. History has shown us that the Ghostbusters are largely a male-focused, white supremacist organization who won't even include their sole black member in promotional materials.
- A Ghostbusters movie isn't a Ghostbusters movie without the highs, lows, and rich texture of Bill Murray's face.
- Above all, I'm not a man baby whose ego is so attached to popular entertainment that I feel the need to "weigh in" whenever something from my childhood is wheeled out again for a new demographic. But if they fuck up the new DuckTales so help me god I will send a SWAT team to the executive producer's house.