State Og Update: 01.31.04

State Og

A wise man once said that you can't fight crime with a macaroni duck. That may be true, but you'd be surprised by how many crimes you can actually commit with one. Thanks this week go to Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (in the danger zone) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (can be my wingman any time).

No Fat Chicks

According to our research, obesity is the number one problem among fat people. As we all know, being overweight is not your fault. Fat (illustrated in Figure 1-A below) is caused by evil easy-to-sue restaurants and by moving around too much, which in turn causes you to breathe in more fatty air molecules than usual. Other companies try to prey on innocent fatties by selling them diet pills and exercise equipment which do nothing but cause cancer. State Og will not stand idly by for another minute while other people companies profit from your stupidity. Enter the revolutionary weight loss system we've developed.

Figure 1-A

Our approach to weight loss is a scientific two-step process. In step one (Figure 2-A below), we blast evil fat cells with massive amounts of radiation that can only be described as "fatal". Fatal to fat!

Figure 2-A

Step two (Figure 2-B below) is slightly more complicated. While most fat will have died off at this point, there will likely be a few remaining cells scattered randomly throughout your body. If given the chance, these cells could very well reproduce in some sort of incredibly disgusting orgy. It would be like a freakish Japanese porno going on right under your skin. In order to kill off these remaining perverted fat cells, we will systematically beat the entire surface area of your body with a baseball bat. This step will serve a dual purpose, as it will also open holes in your skin through which dead fat can be expelled.

Figure 2-B

If you're interested in this exciting new procedure, stop by your local State Og branch today. After just one session, you'll look so different that your friends and family will literally scream in delight!

Do Androids Kiss Electric Babies?

We at State Og feel that Americans need to take a greater interest in affairs of state and become more involved in the political process, because we sincerely feel a population apathetic to how their government is run is a most unfortunate thing. You, gentle reader, are probably one of these apathetic bastardholes and frankly it makes me sick to think that you and your sorry ilk will be reading this sincere and finely crafted article of mine, but I will rise above such feeling and attempt to broaden your Calista Flockhart-like horizons.

First, forget about the two major parties. I mean it; forget them. They never really loved you, but there is one political party that does love you. They love you not in the hot, passionate way a man loves a woman, but in the cold, unfeeling way a vibrator loves a woman: they are the Demonic Robot Party. Currently, as the Democrats are having their primaries, the DRP is going through its process for selecting its presidential contender. We urge you to drop what your doing right now and change your political affiliation so you can cast your vote in this primary and send a message to the Washington DC fat cats: we fucking hate cats!

Here is a brief summary of one of the candidates:

Maximilian
We interviewed Maximilian last year and he is still our current favorite candidate, especially due to his brutal stance against people who delay check out lines at grocery stores by going over their receipt item-by-item with the clerk because they think they were overcharged three cents. Last week in an Associated Press interview, Maximilian upped the ante on his prior promises by stating that if elected he will break with robot tradition and, instead of sending other machines back in time to kill historically important humans or their ancestors who threaten impending robot dictatorship, he will offer what he calls the Kill the Inventor of Maximilian and Save Humanity Challenge. If he is made president, this event will start off by Maximilian sending all humans Thirty-five years back in time to compete for the chance to kill the man who built President Maximilian, and thus save the world from what atrocities our time traveling State OG agents tell us Maximilian will commit in the next two years.

When the AP journalist asked how this would be fair, considering Maximilian was built a couple hundred years in the future, not the past, and traveled back in time to get to this period, the presidential hopeful politely drilled a 10-inch diameter hole in his reporter’s chest. Never afraid to admit when he had made a mistake, Maximilian announced that he would change the rules of his challenge and would send all humans even further into the past. Though he didn’t state when, the more keen political commentators all believe it will be some time before the Earth’s crust cooled.

Well, it sounds as though we better start thinking about how to make things out of molten lava! Next week, we’ll bring you the poop on another DRP candidate.