The Patchwork Game

During this year's round of ridiculous holiday game sales, you may find yourself poking through dozens of cheap titles. While these games will mostly be shovelware, cheap iPhone ports, or titles with little substance and terrible design that somehow survive by simply being "indie", many of their product descriptions feature a few lines that sound sort of cool.

What if you could take the best blurbs from these cheap games and combine them to describe one title? I'd say the resulting game would be worth at least ten dollars, but you can decide for yourself.

Please note that the following are 100% real quotes from actual game descriptions.

The Patchwork Game

developed by Something Awful Games in cooperation with Double Fine Productions
published by Valve Software

Features:

- Unwittingly meddle in the humans' lives!

- Game length ideal for busy videogame fans!

- Excalibur! Is it real?

- Cool crab brothers, a retired agentess, lost baby seahorse and peculiar pair of snails!

- By inputting the code, Angelan and Fei-Yen's flat bosoms blossom into what appears to be a "D-Cups" which might boost their self-esteem. Once-flat robotic bottoms also grow into what's known as a ghetto onion.

- Story driven crazy shoot 'em up with red car and LOTS of zombies!

- You fly around in a very strange universe, shoot the enemies, meet and protect the friends, collect bonuses, fly through wormholes, and so on, all while rocking out to the music!

- Build up your server's defenses to withstand waves of incoming viruses and keep the system clean!

- Take control of the brutal Vikings, the devious Aztecs or the crafty Chinese!

- There are a variety of enemies that will hunt you down, and a few little tactics you can use to take them down!

- A unique journey through an artist's dream!

- Guardians are represented in the game as primary player units that command your armies into battle!

- It can take you from a normal, well-adjusted, well-rounded person to an obsessed, singled-minded, one-tracked train head!

- Activate a paralysing stroke and then throw the spear at the enemy!

- Retro styled graphics inspired by the golden era of aviation!

- Wield thousands of Ion Particles!

- Collect over 100 relics to power up your Dwarves, and view them later in The Royal Gallery!

- Detailed political, diplomatic and economic models!

- Visceral action pulls the player through a cinematically immersive storyline from Minute One of play!

- Complete all the achievements of varying difficulties in order to master the game!

- An original fantasy-based mass appeal, unique and original storyline!

- The UN establishes MARSCORP (Martian Security and Economics Committee) under the leadership of Samuel Longwood!

- 8 investigative journalism mini-games!

World Of Warcraft: Cataclysm
My world was shattered by an angry dragon and all I got was this lousy werewolf. 8/10

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 Vietnam
A good time that's well worth the money, but not really ideal for Battlefield fans that prefer big maps and dislike the infantry meatgrinder. 7/10

Bejeweled 3
The best version, but watch out for the nasty bug that uninstalls the game if your desktop has a shortcut for all three Bejeweled games in a row. 8/10

Tron: Evolution
My 1980's self never would have imagined I'd say this about Tron, but the movie is better than the video game. 6/10

Raving Rabbids: Travel In Time
The minigames are hit and miss, but the freakout button is almost worth the price of admission. 6/10

Michael Jackson: The Experience
A very accurate recreation of Michael Jackson, as most of the music and choreography is great while everything else is best ignored. 3/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)