Which Port Of Madden 07 Is The Best?

God Of War Creator's Comments Shock Media, Disturb Fans

David Jaffe, the outspoken game designer behind the hugely popular Playstation 2 title God Of War, suprised many when he completed a recent interview without saying "fuck" or "fucking" for the first time in his career.

He did not use any variation of the word to emphasize his strong feelings about a particular aspect of game design, describe how hard his favorite band can rock, or illustrate how totally weak miniature golf is. At one point it appeared that he was about to drop the f-bomb, but it proved to be a false alarm as he was merely wondering aloud where the fudgecicles he had bought disappeared to.

At the conclusion of the interview, Jaffe was made aware of the peculiar milestone and subsequently collapsed, his complexion turning a sickly grey and his eyes rolling back into his head. He has since issued a press release from the hospital apologizing to his fans and promising not to "fuck up again".

Which Features Are In Which Version Of Madden?

EA Sports has taken an odd route with the usual myriad of ports for this year's incarnation of Madden, adding exclusive features to some versions of the game and omitting features from other versions. For example, on the Xbox 360 installment of Madden you cannot play in co-op mode (while the Xbox and Gamecube versions offer 4 player co-op) but you can track your Madden career with the Madden Gamer Level, which you can't do on any other platform.

Upon digging further, I've discovered an alarming number of undocumented differences which haven't been mentioned anywhere else.

Xbox 360

Exclusive Features:

• Players with odd-numbered jerseys
• Two teams on the field at the same time
• Constantly streaming updates of real life player arrests (Requires subscription to Live Gold)

Omitted:

• 4th quarter of play
• Good/Evil alignment system dictated by Bioware-style branching dialogue
• Tackling

Playstation 2

Exclusive Features:

• The ability to choose plays
• Power-ups (extra armor, bullet-time, smaller hands, etc.)
• Accurately rendered allergic reactions

Omitted:

• Stadiums
• The game's box + manual
• All references to Satan as our true lord

Xbox

Exclusive Features:

• Quarterbacks
• Laser tag rifles
• Horizontal movement

Omitted:

• A working playclock
• Uniforms
• Support for Xbox controllers

Gamecube

Exclusive Features:

• Twice as much rendered sweat as the other versions
• Fully realized day/night cycle that takes the moon's influence on the tide into account
• Forward passing

Omitted:

• Blood (replaced with even more sweat)
• Rideable horses
• Klingon subtitles

PC

Exclusive Features:

• Point and click adventure mode: Combine the jockstrap and whistle to create a playbook!
• Halftime shows by Cirque Du Soleil
• Support for Xbox controllers

Omitted:

• Lightning that strikes the ball carrier at regular intervals
• The Super Bowl
• Faces

PSP

Exclusive Features:

• The lava level
• New "Charisma" stat for each athlete which determines how hard opponents hit him and how guilty they feel about it afterwards
• Lycanthropy

Omitted:

• Graphics
• Porno music that plays during particularly good time outs
• Alternate control setup for women

Nintendo DS

Exclusive Features:

• Tap a player on the belly with your stylus to inflict a career-ending injury
• That creepy ghost kid from Three Men And A Baby
• Tutorial level that teaches players how to build a pipebomb out of household items

Omitted:

• A football
• Level 5 mage spells
• Instant replay playback at less than 25x the original speed

Darkstar One
All the thrill of running trade routes between lifeless space stations of Eve Online without other players and the advanced economy, which means it's actually sorta fun. 7/10

Ninety Nine Nights
If overcoming one billion enemies with two attacks sounds like your idea of a good time, your name is probably John Cena and I probably just made a joke that half of our readers won't get. 7/10

Madden NFL 07
Gaming snobs complain that Madden rests on its laurels and only updates its roster with each new version but it does a lot more, like feature a new player on the cover. 8/10

Xyanide
In this shoot-em-up you blast your way through levels and enemies conjured from the imagination of your enemy, who is apparently fixated on the intestines of gigantic spacegoats that survive by ingesting pure beams of colored light. 6/10

Dirge Of Cerberus: Final Fantasy VII
I love the smell of a generic shooter in the morning, smells like... cash-in. 6/10

Payout Poker & Casino
I'm glad this game was made because I've always loved below average casino games, but hated not being able to watch my avatar walk through an empty casino from game to game at a speed that just barely outpaces continental drift. 2/10

Deep Labyrinth
A few alternate titles that are less sexually suggestive: Corridor Fight, Complex Spell Symbol Memorizer, Vagina Spelunking, Monotony Quest. 5/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)