Jessica Brooks

Jessica Brooks, submitted by Richie. This site is a human disaster area covered with crazy whore debris. No matter how hard you fight to survive against the overwhelming tragedy of the situation, you just can't help but be a helpless victim drowning in the massive sea of retarded egotism oozing from every inflamed pour of this skank's website. Jessica's site, which delineates "where the web ends and the legend begins," is a treasure trove of hilarious pain and anguish not unlike a barrel filled with war orphans going over Niagara Falls.

When you load the site up, you are greeted with a floating graphic of Jessica's ugly profile ping-ponging around the screen for no reason other than to remind you that every part of your monitor will be molested by this site. She also has plenty of highly practical graphics of text riddled with gradients. Of course all of this is resting comfortably beneath the umbrella title of Jessica's head pasted onto a picture of a leggy model waving her leg back and fourth as if to say, "come put your penis inside me, that's what I'm here for!" Classy, oh so very classy.

The Flash intro movie is even more impressive, with the THX sound gallantly ushering in some of the finest shape tweens ever seen in a Flash animation made by a retarded person. From there it's a hilarious explosion of random "sexy talk" and stupid pictures and music.

There are sounds – oh, God, how there are sounds – strewn throughout the millions of pages of this monumental exercise in self-gratification. What kind of sounds? Beyond the country music theme song and other assorted annoying ICQ sounds, there is plenty of SEXY TALK! Jessica's request that "cum all over her face" so she can "lick it up" is just one of many erotic messages aimed solely at you, big guy.

The design of this site, aside from being a demonstration of the idea that there is room for every unnecessary feature and function possible, isn't too bad. It's pretty easy to navigate, and the scrolling purple cube backgrounds don't get too distracting, nor do the random animated gifs scattered all around, nor do the stupid graphics following your poor exploited mouse cursor. Yep, solid "professional web design" from producer, writer, director, and artist Jessica Brooks.

This wouldn't be a whore's website without plenty of ugly pictures, and its got those in industrial volumes. As Lowtax told me, "she's a man with third degree burns and tits." I tend to disagree, because he did not denote that she is an elderly man with third degree burns and tits. Obviously age is important, and she's really packing the years on like a slutty old sequoia tree.

There are tons and tons of pages dedicated to her attempts to own "morons" she meets over ICQ, as well as extensive guides on how to meet and flirt with morons on ICQ (hint: be a moron yourself). Most of the pages here are just simply too much to absorb, even if you are a magical sponge with Internet access. Heck, she even started her own fan page. Good job, you crazy grandma.

At the end of the day, what's left but to sign her humble guestbook letting her know how goddamn crazy she is. It's the least we can do as sane and patriotic citizens of this fine globe.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)