Unlikely Messages From the Emergency Alert System

The Emergency Alert System has issued a Zombie Walk WARNING. A zombie walk has been confirmed sighted in your region. Residents can expect long, shambling traffic delays, waits to use public restrooms, people who look like corpses texting on their phones, and lots of fake blood smeared all over door handles in the area. Please do not approach the zombie walk. Do not be tempted to join the zombie walk. What are you doing with yourself, Kyle? You're an adult. Act like it.

The Emergency Alert System has issued a Baby Won't Stop Staring EMERGENCY. Diners in the affected restaurant are advised to avoid eye contact with that baby. The baby's huge, unblinking eyes have the potential to ruin appetizers, entrees and desserts. It may unnerve and even haunt diners. Police and fire have been alerted and are trying to determine what is up with that baby. It's just standing backwards in the booth and staring. The more you look away, the more you want to look at it. This is just insane. Authorities have not yet determined why the baby's parents won't do something. Stand by for updates.

The Centers for Disease Control and the Emergency Alert System have issued an area-wide Finger Skateboard Stunt Sickness ALERT. Rayden Holkins, age 12, has executed an extremely sick Tech Deck two-finger flipout. If this were 1993 this move would be on a VHS tape people pass around. This sickness is so intense that it has to spread. It may go viral. We can't contain this sickness in Dogtown. If you live in the affected area, please remain in your vehicles or homes, do not set up mini ramps or get out your Zoo York boards.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency and the Emergency Alert System have issued a New Brazzers Video Release WARNING. Residents are advised to get ready to see some big fake breasts bouncing around in this highly implausible scenario. A thirty year old woman with lip injections has been confirmed wearing high heels near a pool where her son's best friend, also thirty, is sunbathing with no pants on which is reported by officials to be a normal thing people do at their friend's house. Officials also warn that these conditions may lead to an exchange of oral sex, followed by exactly three positions of vaginal sex, anal sex, and ejaculation.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)