The Real Lady Gaga

Last June, I received an e-mail with the subject "Lady Gaga to Make Gay Pride Fests Even Gayer." I was skeptical. I mean, have you seen a fucking pride fest? But after doing some in-depth research, I revised my assumptions. Lady Gaga can take any event or concept and magnify it to the point of gross excess or diminish it until it's completely bastardized. Lady Gaga can do these things because she is not who, or what, she claims to be!

"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick/I wanna take a ride on your disco stick," -- "LoveGame"

"It's another of my very thoughtful metaphors for a cock. I was at a nightclub, and I had quite a sexual crush on somebody, and I said to them, 'I wanna ride on your disco stick.'" -- Rolling Stone interview

Lady Gaga alleges that she managed to out-gay centuries of dick euphemisms with a spontaneous nightclub proposition, but she actually coined this phrase after using a euphemism generator built by a civilization far more advanced than ours. When she performs the song live, she wields a glowing staff, ostensibly a "disco stick," but actually a potent mind-control device. The wordplay was just subterfuge to get this prop in play.

"I've got a lot of gay women friends that are like, 'Put your clothes on.'" -- Entertainment Weekly interview

Lady Gaga is not, as this quote implies, too gay even for gay women. She does, however, reveal her true form exclusively to this demographic, causing considerable dismay and some blindness. "Conceal yourself, radiant goddess," they plead as blood trickles from their seared tear ducts. "It burns when we gaze upon your full splendor!"

"I look at photos of myself, and I look like such a tranny!"

Lady Gaga acknowledges that she is a woman who looks like a man dressed as a woman, thus deflecting attention from the fact that she's actually an intergalactic sex predator in a marginally convincing human shell.

"I'm bluffin' with my muffin/I'm just stunnin' with my love glue gunnin'." - "Poker Face"

Lady Gaga suggests that she possesses both a "muffin" and a "love glue gun." The infallible reference site Wikipedia confirms that this is because she's a hermaphrodite, a characteristic common in dubious nebulae.

"I am the most sexually free woman on the planet."

Being the most sexually free woman on the planet involves a) incessant discussion of just how sexually free you are b) pantslessness! c) likening your vagina to a delicious Christmas tree d) hailing from a different, much less skank-infested planet.

Lady Gaga discusses sexual freedom with an average Earthwoman.

"If somebody said to me, 'What you do isn't art,' I would say, They're right. Yes it is, no it isn't, absolutely, perhaps, it's irrelevant, it's important...that's what this is all about, really."

Lady Gaga makes contradictions even more contradictory by arguing every side of an issue in unsolicited monologues. She's a man, she's a woman; she's ultra-gay, she loves boys; she's a domestic American woman, she's a sinister infiltrator sent to harvest alien spores.

"I'm not wrong. I'm free. And if it's wrong to be free, then I don't want to be right. Things are changing. We've got a black president, people."

The election of Barack Obama carried many repercussions, from the mandatory disarmament of the American citizenry to the institution of "preferred physicians" lists composed entirely of unpracticed politicians, but a lesser-known executive order provided for the liberation of cosmic sex offenders. Realizing such a dictate might be unpopular, Lady Gaga uses race as a red herring.

"The largest misconception is that Lady Gaga is a persona or a character. I'm not - even my mother calls me Gaga. I am 150,000 percent Lady Gaga every day."

Lady Gaga achieves this seemingly unattainable percentage by cloning herself 1,500 times daily.

Lady Gaga's clones begin their life cycles within clear incubative bubbles.

"My girlfriends used to tell me that no matter what I was wearing, even zipped up to my neck in a parka, I looked naked." -- Style magazine

Lady Gaga once used illusory magic to make her clothed figure appear naked. Unfortunately, she does not possess the converse ability to conjure imaginary attire during her now-constant state of near-nudity.

"I played show after show after show and murdered every single one of them." -- The Guardian

Lady Gaga hypnotizes and physically slays all spectators, a feat prophesied in the film Black Roses. She then replaces them with identical pawns that devote their lives to irrational support of her music.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller