Lair of the Minotaur, "War Metal Battle Master"

het: "War Metal Battle Master": It sounds like they named this using Manowar Mad Libs.

GD: People sword-fighting in dark-ages garb while metal plays in the background -- is this a thing that happens?

het: Almost certainly yes. It's the Society for Moronic Anachronism.

GD: This singer is kind of ruining the immersion for me with his look.

het: Yeah, it's the sunglasses. OK, wait, so now there are hot vampire chicks?

GD: Well, it makes sense that they're here, given that everything else about this video reminds me of Uwe Boll's Bloodrayne.

het: One chick is obviously way more into the flesh-eating. The other is doing the vampire equivalent of a kid pushing her veggies around the plate. "Oh, I guess I'll sort of pretend to gnaw on this. I'm so bored."

GD: "I think I'm going to have to break up with (the bass player). We just have such different ideas of what's cool."

GD: Lair of the Minotaur also made this. I guess they have a template: "Quote from days of yore, boobs and blood, end." But this one only has like a hundred views. "Band struggles to get metal fans interested in boobs and blood."

GD: This minotaur reminds me of Willie the Wildcat. But I think K-State's mascot could play better guitar solos.

het: Mythical Monster or College Football Mascot was always a fun Jeopardy category.

Wretched, "A Preservation of Immortality"

GD: This one is billed as "the bloodiest music video ever!"

het: I can already see so many ways that this could be bloodier. Shovel goes in the ground, blood should come out. Guitarist solos, blood should come out.

GD: The ball shouldn't just be specked with blood, like fucking Wilson. It should be a completely red ball.

het: Right, exactly. Hey, look at my largely clean white shirt at the end of the BLOODIEST MUSIC VIDEO EVER!

GD: I think that Lair of the Minotaur video we just watched might have had more blood.

het: Actually I'm pretty sure it did. Can we get this video taken down for that?

Puncture, "Nailed to a Cross"

GD: The singer looks like Batman-era Michael Keaton. "You wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts!"

het: He really does, or like Beetlejuice without the white makeup.

GD: The keyboard sparks! Do you think that guy still owns that keyboard, or has it broken down? I like to think of him working on his broken keyboard in the garage with a torch.

het: "Hey guys, you know what would be really cool? If we shot sparks during this song!" And they're all "God, why did we let him buy that?"

GD: Better gig: Being a Puncture S & M chick, or a Lair of the Minotaur vampire?

het: The Puncture gig is less messy, involves less nudity, and the music is marginally better. But let's be honest, nobody involved in these videos really has dignity as a high priority.

GD: Well, this is an industrial band, so they probably didn't even hire or know these women. They just showed up and started doing S & M shit because they heard some industrial music while they were passing a warehouse.

het: "OK, so we have these corsets ..." "Don't bother, we have our own."

GD: "Fine." *Puncture's members keep their corsets on underneath their outfits.*

het: I wonder if the S & M stuff is just for show, like the singer takes groupies backstage and has really vanilla sex with them.

GD: The keyboardist incorporates "sparkplay."

het: "Augh! Dammit, shooting sparks on my face is a whole different story, you asshole!"

More Garbage Day

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful