Step Three: Taking on the Army

Eventually the riots will spiral out of control and the police will no longer be able to handle the enraged masses. Once governors around the country realize this is the case they will begin mobilizing elements of the National Guard. Luckily, most of our military is over in Iraq right now. Remember that? It's what your stupid ass is supposed to be protesting. Regardless, their absence here creates an opportunity for a successful confrontation with the US military that would not exist otherwise.

Some tips for facing off against military forces:

Start supporting the second amendment, because all of our liberal gun control talk is about to take a big ironic shit in our mouth.
Try exposing yourself to radiation to become some sort of super mutant, because there is no way in hell you're going to be able to face off against a trained and equipped soldier otherwise.
Chant impotently at any soldiers you see, something catchy like "No war for oil" or "we need a pitcher, not a belly itcher".
Remember that soldiers are not human beings, they are actually robotic killing machines controlled by the fascist oligarchy of George W. Bush.

At some point outright rioting will cease to become a realistic option. The troops will be using things like bullets and missiles and liberal weapons like offensive rap lyrics, pornography, and flag burning will no longer be effective. That means it's time to form some militia units to engage the regular army forces in deadly combat. Militia units like:

The 101st Airborne Bong Tokers out of Berkeley
The 27th K.D. Lang Concert Audience Assault Brigade
1st Armored Division "Jon Stewart"
735th Recumbent Bicycle Cavalry
201st No to Nukes Light Infantry
6th Give Peace a Chance "Or Else" Division
82nd MoveOn Dot Ordinance Supply Battalion
The 4th Mississippi Irregulars "Martin Luther King, Jr." Division
1st Nantucket Schooner & Pleasure Yacht Fleet
9th Olympic Synchronized Landing Marine Division

Once more unto the breach, dear friends!

Step Four: The New World Order

At some point either before or during the civil war the blue states will have to create some form of Declaration of Independence. I guess they could use the original, since Washington, DC is about as blue as they come, but all that language about the King of England and colonies might seem a little anachronistic. I propose the following basic tenets for a new Declaration.

Separation of Church and State: "We fucking mean it this time".
No smoking, it just sends us into a fucking tizzy! Especially not at bars, that is outrageous!
Flag burning not only legal, but mandatory.
Larry Flint new anti-pornography czar.
Every time you have a baby out of wedlock you get a free Cadillac.
Minority political candidates start all elections with a free 10% of the vote.
Get an abortion and be entered to win a 3 week cruise in the Bahamas.
War on Terror replaced with Battle of the Bands competition.
Pell grants now come with stipend for marijuana purchases.
Majority of animals given equal rights to people, are allowed to hold political office. President Barky by 2012!
Avant Garde shit-based religious art to appear in the National Cathedral.
Economy primarily gourmet coffee and sitcom based.
Coal power plants replaced with forests, nuclear power plants replaced with Dreamcatcher and Scented Candle reactors.
Begin to hammer out peace treaty with the dolphins and whales.
Alliance with the Zionist Occupational Government replaced with alliance with the Jew Run Media.
Broad spectrum AM radio jamming blots out everything other than NPR, Air America Radio, and a handful of those creepy computerized counting stations.
Ask the UN to be in charge of our national defense.

Some think that a secessionist north would quickly stagnate, but facts speak differently. Blue states are centers of godless liberal culture, secular science, ivory tower academia, perverse arts, pornographic liberal media, and twisted France-like philosophy. The Blue states are net losers on Federal taxes, paying out huge dividends to the Red States who need things like giant concrete crosses and schools where children are taught that math is the devil's numbers. Without us to kick around it wouldn't be long before the Red States resort to using the Bible to research new gene therapies, turn to the makers of the "Left Behind" movies for the next Dallaswood blockbuster, and hang 500 US and Confederate flags up in an art gallery.

Democrats, stop crying in your pussy punch and get out there and take back America for Shitty Christ!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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