Hanging around the movie theater fucking with my sister would be one thing, because fuck knows mercede has done worse shit in movie theaters than a double feature of madea, but piper's menacing doesn't stop there. Here's a short list of shit she has pulled in the last two weeks:

* Showed up at my apartment building at 2 AM blasting her horn and doing donuts in the lot until I came out. She was throwing double birds out the window at me WHILE doing the donuts. Fucked up part? I swear she had a middle arm t-1000 style on the steering wheel. If her hands turn into knives I got no clue where the fuck to get a liquid nitrogen truck.

* Called the cops on my mom for drugs or something because they came out and totally busted her ass to jail even though she did not say they could search and they claimed in the police report that "crazy eye watering meth musk" gave them probable cause which she ain't even on meth - clean and sober for meth since late July. Then they tried to charge her on some bullshit about veterinary anti-hypnotics or some shit even though she said those 1200 pills were legit and because my uncle's girlfriend's shibu inu has seizures when he eats jimson weed which mom has growing all over her property. So anyway she comes back from jail and what do you know goes in the house and everything is just like she left it...except glued to the ceiling upside down. The most fucked up part? I climbed up onto the ceiling and sat on the couch and from above the faux tiles in the kitchen form the exact pattern of Piper's face...and they were put in 20 years ago.

* Threatened to turn me into a bird. I don't even know what that fucking means but I believe she can do it.

* She hit up my cell and told me if I see her again to call her diabetes "cuz I'm never going away and I will fuck up your legs for good." The very next day she tried to run me over with Todd's Toyota FJ Cruiser. Lucky for me I am practiced at escaping wild bears that I emptied my 20 gauge at and I was able to escape up the pole of the Taco Bell sign.

* Finally, I think the thing Piper has done that has made me the most mad is she burned a church across the street from the library that got mysteriously shot and burned down last year. We've had all these church burnings and daycare fires and shit so I decided to get out a map and put in thumbtacks wherever anything fucked up was going on. The pattern on the map was pretty clear: it was piper's face.

Basically, I'm begging you Piper. You're an evil force of nature, like one of those weird sand storms where the mummy face appears or a meteor shower. We get it. Please leave us alone.

-------8<------CUTTING ROOM FLOOR-------8<------

Throughout my book, Deer in the Headlights, I like to talk about how dumb mrs. palin is, like tell about the time she ruined thanksgiving because she doesn't know how to make tap water. She tried to make pumpkin pie by putting a whole pumpkin in a pie crust. The cranberry sauce that thanksgiving was even worse it was served on spaghetti. Sometimes in the book I just didn't have room for an anecdote so I had to cut it out:

mrs. palin one time locked herself out of the mayors office so she issued an ordnance saying every business in city limits had to replace the front door with one of them hanging bead curtains which lasted for two weeks even though brown bears ate the door off the cooler of the subway and a bunch of mysterious and super handsome cool dudes on ATVs might have stole all the beer and cigarettes from the Holiday Stationstore.

Actually that one my editor just drew a big red X through. I'm not sure what that means. He liked it? Well, whatever, I wrote this stupid fucker I'm not reading it again.

– Levi "HOckey" Johnston

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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