Like, remember that time David Letterman made a joke about Willow Palin getting pregnant at a baseball game? Mrs. Palin got SUPER pissed and demanded an apology. So I pretended to be David Letterman and I called and apologized. To Willow Palin.

<Letterman> Hello, could I speak to Willow Palin?

<Willow Palin> Yeah, speaking.

<Letterman> Hi, Willow, this is David Letterman.

<Willow Palin> Ohhh shit. No. Ohhh shit. You...I am gonna end your fucking world.

<Letterman> Hold on now, I called to apologize.

<Willow Palin> Too late, you pervert fucker. I'm going to seven plagues your wrinkled old ass. I am only fucking fourteen.

<Letterman> I didn't mean--

<Willow Palin> Shut the fuck up, dickless. You ever see Dr. Phibes? I am gonna do wicked shit to you, Letterman. I am gonna haunt your BONES. I will fucking honey drip you in your sleep and put locusts on you. I'm gonna put acid in your hot water heater so you melt in the shower. I'm gonna string piano wire over doorways and voodoo doll your ass. I will call upon every evil yet devized by man or devil to ensure the days you have remaining are filled with pain and fear.

<Letterman> Let's be reasonable.

<Willow Palin> Ohhhh no. No, no, no. The time is long past for reasonable Willow. You fucked with the wrong Palin motherfucker. I am crazy. Straight up. I kill for the love of killing. I kill for thrills. Heil fucking Hitler, do you hear me? This is Helter Skelter time you gap-toothed shitbird. I am going to feed you your family a hock at a time.

<Letterman> Paul Shaffer is--

<Willow Palin> I heard him laughing. He played that little guitar thing. I'm going to funnel a bunch of ground glass down his throat, wait for it to get into his stomach and then go to town on his midsection with a bat. I call it the Palin Pinata. You like that? I like that. I am gonna carve 666 in his head and stomp his balls until they explode out of his withered old ballbag like I am stomping on pudding cups. Then you're next., faggot You and Biff. I will knife sodomize you, DAVE. I will make your stupid ass pregnant with pain. I am going to--

I had to hang up at that point because I was starting to get freaked out. Believe it or not I figured that one was too spicy for the website here so I just kept it on my Wasilla Wolf blog thing and sort of buried it next to top ten titties and ultimate fat kid fall down videos. Nobody even noticed.

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About This Column

Levi "HOckey" Johnston is a pro writer now and hockey expert since forever. He comments regularly on family life, politics, Alaska, hockey, vag, babies, babes, 4x4s, hunting, and stuff like that. Oh, yeah, and he was engaged to Bristol Palin and had one (two) kids with her, so...I can put anything here? He also fights like a devil and pounds poon like a demon. He's pretty much unbelievable. His life is a raw adventure to the root.

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