Memos from Bear Cave: Heart Attack!

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Tall Charlie
DATE: March 19, 1979 3:56 PM
SUBJECT: One Final Assignment

The combination for my gun cabinet in the main conference room is 16-32-5. Please grab an appropriate firearm and report to the eastern corner of the soupyards, where Bouillon is chained up. Point the gun at his head and wait for me to ring my bell. As soon as you hear me ring, I want you to kill Bouillon. It is important we both die and go to heaven at the same time.

If I ring the bell twice, that means I have made it through and you are not to shoot Bouillon, my beloved and faithful hound.

DO NOT SCREW THIS UP.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 19, 1979 5:25 PM
SUBJECT: Still Not Dead

For those of you wondering: No, I am not dead. I have been silent the past hour to conserve strength for one final rally against death. I plan to start this rally in approximately 10 minutes.

I would be very appreciative if you showed some respect and put in an honest day's work. That means no leaving before the boss.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 19, 1979 11:15 PM
SUBJECT: I AM VICTORIOUS

For those of you stupid enough to bet against me: you're fired. I have conquered death exactly as I set out to do. Now that I have survived this stroke and bested death, I expect to live a long life with no further health complications. The business day is now over and you may go home. To make up for time lost today on gossip and chitchat, I expect all of you to come in at 6:00 AM tomorrow.

Tall Charlie, bring Bouillon to me. After a long day I need to see a friendly face.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)