Greetings loyal readers! In this issue of Bouquet-Humping Monthly we've sure got a challenge for you! Two single hunks at the peak of their talent spill their guts in their search for a special hubba-hubba-hubba, and you, fabulous reader, get to pick whichever fits your fancy. Are we crazy? You betcha! We've pitted Alex "Tweedle" Dunbar, the giant gentleman, against the pious Glen "The Good" Ridell. Good luck picking just one, you wonderful readers! Imagine the excitement, the anxiety, and the repetitive cleaning duties that you would have as Mrs. (or Mr.) Bouquet-humper. Wow! Zippy! Zonkomatic! Pin-up posters available on the back page! Please renew your subscription!
Alex Dunbar, 37 6'9", 214 lb | Name Stats | Glen Ridell, 18 5'7", 132 lb |
14 years | Bouquet-Humping Career Length | 5 years |
| "Tweedle" | Nickname | "The Good" |
| Rhubarb pie & story time | Likes | Silence & Book of Levitcus |
| Loud dogs & strawberry pie | Dislikes | Modern industry & machinery |
| Likes Bouquet-humping | Why Bouquet-humping? | A vision while fasting |
| His mother | Ideal Lover | Jesus (in manger) |
| Fancy Feast Classic Chicken | Favorite flavor of cat food | Iams Adult Filets with Salmon in Sauce |
Can tie own shoes, eventually | Special Talent | Can befriend any animal & gut it within the hour |
| Killed family dog | Dark Secret | Killed family |
| Thinks about Bouquet-humping before humping bouquet | Preparation for Bouquet-humpimg | Focuses all evil & toxins within the body & directs them to groin area |
| Sparrows & any bird that fits in pocket | Biggest Fear | Being caught in the rain wearing dry clean only wool sweater |
| Incomplete skeleton of mother | Prized possession | Action Comics #252 VG- |
| "Give every boy, girl, & kitty-cat a big slice of rhubarb pie followed by a nice long belly rub." | How would you improve the world? | "The Lord will come down, the sky darkens as he nears. Panic & begging consumes the weak, but He doles no mercy. Every breath is stolen & mankind suffocates in its own sin as He descends back upon the land He created. Those that listened & loved will be led to a great Arcade while all that remains upon this cracked & scorched earth are those that failed to follow the Holy Demand to not curse in front of Grandma & Grandpa" |
| Pizza | Favorite food | Pizza |
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