Fox on Sex: Vajscaping More Than Just Trimmed Hedges

This article is part of the Fox on Sex series.

Fox on Sex columnist Jenny Block has been sidelined due to a very personal type of hernia. In her place we welcome guest columnist and Fox News contributor Brit Hume. Due to short notice Mr. Hume will be covering the topics originally planned by Jenny Block.

Fox on Sex: Vajscaping More Than Just Trimmed Hedges

Friday, May 14th, 2010

By Brit Hume

If there's grass on the field foul ball

Behind closed doors, the entire vagina area of a woman is a fine thing to behold. The mons pubis and the vulva are like exquisite works of meat art. They may seem a bit odd the first time you see them, off-putting even, but if you stick with it and persist you'll find the vagina is actually quite an amazing thing. Remember, there's technically no reason for a man to ever look at a vagina in person, so if you're looking at one that's a little something extra.

When it comes to hair "down there" I ascribe to the belief that there should be no hair on the human body below the neck. That doesn't mean I am opposed to hair here and there where it is absolutely necessary for effect. As long as a woman has a clear purpose for her hair, and can state that purpose when questioned, I am all for it.

If you are trying to remove all hair from your vagina and anal area I recommend a depilatory gel. Carl Cameron turned me onto something called Hair Heat that comes in a binary spray. It's a little time-consuming to do a double application, but after that you just wait for it to tingle a little and then use the scraping instrument included. Comes right off.

Lasering, waxing, and shaving are all options as well. My wife, Kim, prefers to use a lady shaver. It's similar to a man's razor, but it is purple and has a wider handle. I read a book once about Japanese women when I was heading to Japan to cover the Bush economics summit. The book said that for most of history Japanese women barely trimmed at all. That has changed though and these days women from the Orient are shaving their hair into all sorts of fun and interesting designs. The thought of that makes me sick.

Getting rid of hair or trimming hair is just one place you can and should start with your "vajscaping." That's not my term, it was in the outline. So were these other items. God only knows what I'm in for with these.

The day I look at my wife's anus is the day I cease to view her as a sexual being.Anal Bleaching

I must confess, I never heard of anal bleaching before today, but I suppose it makes sense in these Godless, anus-viewing times. Humans produce a considerable amount of solid waste and that's usually a healthy dirt brown, unless you have some digestive issues or diet eccentricities, so the orifice from which we extrude this material could be stained by our natural bodily functions. I'd never dare to look at Kim's anus, don't even know why anyone would. I didn't even know women had them until I caught my mom lighting matches in the bathroom when I was home from college back in '63.

I asked Kim what color my anus was and after a considerable amount of time poking and prodding around back there she confessed she wasn't sure. I did lose my temper at her for a bit, but she brought me my shaving mirror and after some time squatting in the bathroom I was able to get a good look. To my surprise my anus is only about the size of a pea and as white as paper, It is also perfectly octagonal. I was too disturbed by the sight of it to spend much time looking. I wonder how it got that way. Is it normal? Am I dying? Could I have swallowed something octagonal and passed it and thereby stuck my anus in that gaping, eight-sided position all without noticing? Kim thinks I'm overreacting, but WebMD has some very troubling articles about babies swallowing unsharpened pencils.

Vaginal Jewelry

I can't even begin to think of why a woman would clamp some jewelry onto her vagina or - God forbid - pierce herself in her most private area. Would she do it herself using a sewing needle heated in the flame of a candle? I suppose if her husband was medically trained she could ask him to do it, but who else would even perform such a vulgar surgery? I say skip it. Jewelry was meant for female ears and male pinkies.

Kim's vagina looks a bit like a pinkish brown shiitake mushroom, which is perfectly fine.Vaginal Reconstruction

Could a woman be made, by use of injections or some other means, to lay an egg instead of giving live birth? This would seem preferable to surgery to correct child-birthing rips and the drooping, elephant-eared confusion of an overworked vagina. Has any consideration been given to the use of a navel suction device to draw out a live fetus moments before natural birth? Cosmetic issues aside, it would seem to me a hugely distended bellybutton is preferable for sexual purposes. Just wear a sweatshirt with pockets or cummerbund and he'll never know the difference.

Glue-on and glitter powders

Now this is just getting ridiculous. Major Garret tried to get me into a burlesque revue once when we were covering Obama's trip to Germany and he said all the ladies cover themselves in glitter. That explains why Brett Bair and Glans Tanner looked like a couple survivors staggering away from an explosion in a crafts store, but it doesn't explain what the point is. This, along with most of these other "vajscaping" methods, are ridiculous. Give me a good, clean woman on her back after she's swallowed a couple Xanax and I say that's just about right.

I'll let you in on my own little secret that has served me well through about ten relationships and three times that many one-nighters. One little thing you can do to satisfy any woman.

Choke her.

– Jenny Block (@sexyfacts4u)