That’s right, kids! Ace W. High is back with a brand-new gig: now that he knows you’re not doing drugs, he wants to be sure you’re not wasting all your free time on TV and video games! The multiple fall breaks are just around the corner. How would you rather spend them: watching cartoons or living real life adventures? That’s what we thought.
Today we’ll review five fun things any kid can do from the comfort of his own home. When you’re rolling with Ace, you’re rolling with good times. He’s inventive so you don’t have to be! Get ready to learn, kids, as we go through five ways to kill boredom!
Electric OutletsWhat’s the dizzle? Wall outlets provide electric power to your house. They also provide a jolt of boredom-killing fun to your brain! Set the cool capacitor for 1.21 jiggawatts of awesome, Marty – where we’re going there’s no need for TV or video games. Or hair!
Where are they? Everywhere, from the basement to the kitchen. Some houses even have them on the porch! Who says you can’t have outdoor fun on a rainy day?
You know how we do: Outlets might look like pig snouts, but that isn’t bacon you smell frying! The power strip by your computer can multiply the good times. Use it as a keyboard and you might find a few new dance move or two under your belt, especially if your belt has a metal buckle! You can also pretend the outlet is a face of an angry little man constantly staring at you. Jab him right in one of his eyes and show him who rules the roost around these parts!
Watch your back! Some grumpy adults aren’t down with the surge and will try to ruin your fun by putting plastic stoppers over the outlet holes. If mean ol’ Mom and Pop won’t lighten up, just take a butter knife and dig around the outlet until the plug pops out. If you’re lucky, you might even get to see a kid-sized fireworks show.
For big kids only: Did you know your parents keep the best board game ever in your basement? To find it, go downstairs and look for the big metal box with a thick gray tube running out its top. You’ll notice a few coin slots and some switches. Just stick a few pennies in, touch the dryer with one hand, and flip all the switches you can – first person to wake up at the other end of the basement wins!
Ace W. High Sez: “Electric current / Will light up your braids / Unlike marijuana / Which just gives you AIDS”
Garbage DisposalsWhat’s the dizzle? What eats Mom’s meatloaf, math homework, and chubby little fingers with wicked enthusiasm? That’s right, kids, your very own stainless steel, sink-dwelling attack dog, the garbage disposal! Sure, those silly adults with their rules might call it “dangerous”, but we know it by a different name: Fido.
Where are they? The sink. And the best thing is, it doesn’t matter how lazy your parents are: even when the basin is totally full, you can plunge your hand in and look for an opening. It’s like passing the velvet rope to the coolest, secretest clubhouse in town, also known as your kitchen!
You know how we do: Garbage disposals are great because you don’t need friends around to enjoy them. Every time you stick your hand in it’s like playing a one-person game of hide and seek. Will you find something cool, like an old wedding ring, or something gross, like an slimy chicken bone? If the garbage disposal knows, it ain’t saying – the only word it knows is guuuurrrnkch.
Watch your back! If you don’t want to get busted for leaving a mess in the sink, be sure to pour a bunch of bleach and ammonia down the disposal when you’re done playing! You might even get a raise in your allowance for cleaning up the kitchen without being asked. Chlora me rich! Let's go buy a skateboard!
For big kids only: Throwing toys, food, and firecrackers down the disposal losing its luster? Play garbage disposal rodeo (if you think you can handle it)! Just reach down the drain, grab the metal blades inside, and flip the switch! Can you hold on for eight seconds?
Ace W. High Sez: “Go peace, baby! Super America no garbage desu means much love for no landfills! Ah-ruuuuuuuuu!”
Unsupervised PoolsWhat’s the dizzle? What’s better than swimming? Swimming without adults around! There’s nothing cooler than taking a brisk mid-October swim while old Uncle Ernie’s distracted with all the leaves in his yard – sometimes the water’s even green, like that cool kid with the mohawk’s hair!
Where are they? All around the neighborhood! Remember: the less you can see the yard, the more chance there’s a pool there. A bunch of rusted car parts? A big wooden fence with “beware of dog” signs taped all over it? A “no trespassing” sign and a rebel flag hung from the front porch? Those adults may know how to trick stupid kids, but not you – hop that fence and go for a dip! If there is a dog he might even go swimming with you.
You know how we do: Lots of summertime pool games are twice as fun in the fall and winter! Instead of diving for plastic rings, you can dive for chunks of ice, and playing Marco Polo is ten times as extreme when your lips feel like two meat Twizzlers hanging under your nose! It’s like going to Alaska without being surrounded by rednecks (unless you live in Minnesota)!
Watch your back! Sometimes you can be too cool. To avoid hypothermia (also known as “cold palsy” or “the h-bummer”), wrap yourself up in a long coat and scarf before you jump in. Not only will this keep you warm in the pool, but when you get out you can lay on your back and use your coat as a sled for a few minutes! Wicked!
For big kids only: If the neighborhood pools are boring you to death, ask your parents if there’s a limestone quarry around. If there is, get ready to party! Quarries are like nature’s swimming pools, and a lot of the time there are awesome prizes at the bottom! Stinky old smokers would walk a mile for a Camel, but we’d walk two for rusted saw blades and old car batteries.
Ace W. High Sez: “Poolsville is Coolsville, population you!”
All-Terrain VehiclesWhat’s the dizzle? They might be hard to find, but ATVs are the most fun you can have without a driver’s license. You can drive an ATV on the road, but they’re really made for tearing around in the forest. Some can even fly when you drive them up a hill fast enough!
Where are they? If you live in the city an ATV will be pretty hard to come across. In the country, though, they’re everywhere! Even if your parents won’t let you have one, you can bet one of your friends has one stashed in his garage. Plan a weekend sleepover with him and get to rolling! Remember: you’re not lying when you say “we’re just going to the edge of the woods” if you don’t tell them how fast you plan on getting there.
You know how we do: When you get your hands on an ATV, go nuts! As long as you’re not riding on concrete, you’re totally safe – grass and dirt are soft enough to absorb the gnarliest wipeouts! Snow, too, is a big helper: make a big pile and drive your ATV into it as fast as you can! If you land face-first all the red spots on your face will make you look like you hit puberty way early!
Watch your back! Four-wheelin’ might be cool, but stealing never is. If you can’t get your hands on an ATV, relax! Your bike is almost as fun as something with an engine – go find a big hill with lots of trees on it and play downhill slalom! If you don’t have a bike you can always find an old tire in the woods and roll yourself down a hill with it.
For big kids only: ATVs are fun to drive around for a while, but the real fun comes when you start doing stunts. Three wheelers turn so sharply it’ll leave you feeling like your lungs are in your throat, and dirtbikes can get to going so fast they skip over small surfaces of water. Doing a donut in the middle of the pond behind your buddy’s house? If the people in the Tony Hawk games can do it, why can’t you?
Ace W. High Sez: “Three- and four-wheelers / Are all-terrain fun / Take your spine on vacation / ‘Coz numb legs are fun”
Dad's WorkshopWhat’s the dizzle? Who says adults don’t like toys? Dad’s workshop is full of ‘em! The brown stuff in a pile on the floor? It’s fun dust. That just goes to show Dad doesn’t hate all faeries – just the ones that remind him uncomfortably of himself!
Where are they? Chances are your dad keeps his workshop in the garage or basement, or maybe in a shed behind the house. If he doesn’t have one at all, it’s easy to persuade him to hit the tool shop: tell him Mr. Johnson across the yard is building a tree house for his kids and you wish he could be your dad, too.
You know how we do: Almost everything in your Dad’s workshop is designed to put holes in wood, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use it to fix other things! TV got a weird spot on the screen from that time you “accidentally” covered it in fridge magnets? Whack the spots with a hammer a few times and see if that doesn’t line things out! Too hard to get from your bedroom to the bathroom? Cut out a secret passage between the rooms with a saw! Pop-Tarts stuck in the toaster again? That long, thin screwdriver should help you to wedge it out! With Dad’s workshop at your side, you’ll be a truly handy kid – unless you touch the business end of woodsplitter!
Watch your back! Tools can be dangerous. Big machinery, like welders and powersaws, can create large sparks that could burn you or even blind you. If you need to use them be sure to wear at least a sweater and a pair of sunglasses. Fall break isn’t nearly as fun when you can’t see and your body looks like one big, quivering blister!
For big kids only: You can use the workshop to trick your bike out like an Orange County chopper or a Spartacus buggy! There are lots of sharp things laying around just waiting to turn your Huffy into a mobile food processor! Those older kids up the street won’t pick on you after you weld a few saw strips to the spokes of your bike. If they do, they’ll pay for it with their ankles!
Ace W. High Sez: “Losers use pipebombs / To blow up their schools / Cool kids rebuild them / Using Dad’s tools!”
That’s it! With these five items in mind you should have no trouble wasting the idles of Fall away! So stay smart, say safe, and just like last time...
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.