F This Cat

The avarice and pride are enough to make me regard Bat-Bat as an enemy, but if you add in his gluttony he ranks up there with history's greatest monsters. If he had his way -- and I assume one day he will -- Bat-Bat would eat nothing but paper products and drink nothing but the solution disposable contacts come packed in. His ravenous appetite for paper has transformed important insurance forms, checks, and collectible grocery bags into piles of paper that smell like his mouth. And his love of disposable contact solution is bizarre and leaves me a bit concerned. We first found out that he enjoyed the mystery liquid when my girlfriend was putting her contacts in and he decided to lap up the juice from the plastic eye-cups. These days, if he doesn't get his daily contact juice, we know there's going to be trouble. And yet I fear it is the source of his powers. We don't know what's in this solution but one thing is clear: he can hover now. He couldn't do that before.

THAT'S MY SEXY POSE YOU TOOLIn the end, just what the hell kind of cat does he think he is? His potato-shaped body, odd flaps of skin, and mechanical way of walking completely betray the feline species. For an animal that is supposed to have grace and agility, Bat-Bat lopes around like a grizzly bear, his back legs moving like the oars on a rowboat while his front legs stutter forward in a cruel mockery of walking. It's as if a group of confused Amish children created a clockwork cat out of various gears and stuffed owls.

If that wasn't bad enough, his meow is weak and belongs to a sissy; sometimes he can't even squeeze a single sound out. Do you know how creepy it is to have an animal who wanders around, grunting out breathy demands you can't possibly understand or fulfill? Why, at its best, his meow sounds like an effeminate man whispering the word "key." I don't know a lot about cats, but that's bullshit.

Frankly, I'm fed up. And since he can't read, this is the only way I can safely vent my feelings.

Fuck this cat.

I leave you now with this home video I have taken which I submit as an example of the aggression and hostility of this animal. It's of poor quality because we have a cheap camera. And we have a cheap camera because when you own Bat-Bat, you're not allowed to have nice things.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey