The Great American Reach Around - New England & Canada

Shawn Vulliez

Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

I live in Vancouver, Canada, or as some mediocre journalists call it, 'Hollywood North'. It got this title because a surprising amount of terrible shows and movies are filmed here. Alien Vs. Predator? White Noise? Yeah, that was us, bitch. Watch the fuck out, Hollywood South, because you've got competition. Northern competition! In between years of terrible American movies and worse Canadian television shows being filmed here, we somehow got chosen to be the location for the 2010 winter Olympics, which will do wonders for our already booming economy (Or should I say weed-conomy?).

There is a lot of controversy surrounding this issue, and I suppose that is likely a result of the stereotypical Canadian hate for all sports that don't involve rocks. In their attempts to foil the committee's plans, they vandalized a 20 foot tall clock that had an Olympic countdown on the face of it. For a day, the whole city was in chaos because no one could remember how far away 2010 was. Must have been smoking too much doobies, it seems! Vancouver loves it's partially decriminalized drugs!

Another feature of the land I call home is a place called Science World, is a giant white sphere that used to be filled with pure, unfiltered science. However, now it is filled with consumerism and sub-par internet access, as it has been renamed the 'Telus World of Science'. I once went to Science world and saw the insides of a man's gonads. It wasn't an unpleasant experience but I won't do it again. I think an Olympic sport will be played there, an Olympic sport called "Giant Man Golfing" because a giant man could use it pretty effectively as a golf ball. It would only take one hit of BC bud to giant this giant man blazed.

As of late there has been a big news story involving a kindly old man named "Robert Pickton" who killed 49 prostitutes in the last 15 years. He's like a modern-day jack the ripper, except instead of slicing open prostitutes and stealing their lady parts he shoots them in the vagina with a revolver attached to a dildo. Canadians are friendly!

Most Canadians don't like America because America is a jerk to everybody and eats poo and such, but I do. I have a secret boner for the USA, because without it I would never be entertained. I don't care about political issues, (such as the fact the current administration is a failure on almost every level), I'll leave that highbrow stuff to black and white comics in the newspaper. I like America because without them I would have nothing to watch on TV, and I would have no one to make fun of on my terrible T-shirts. I like America because without it, the world would realize that Canada is just as wasteful and gluttonous as America, and then they would blame us for their problems instead of the USA.

A lot of people allegedly think that Canada is a frozen wasteland full of Eskimos and lumberjacks, where we live in igloos and ride polar bears to work. I wish this were true but all we are is a slightly colder, bigger, emptier version of America that gets everything you get 4 months later. And they are called Inuits, not Eskimos, eh?

Did you see that? My use of "eh?", that's what Canadians do. We say "eh", all the time. That's like our thing. If you watched Royal Canadian Air Farce you would understand. You wouldn't laugh at it, but you would understand.