Review of the Five Newest IPAs in Town

Hop Teeth IPA
Established: 6 months ago
Distance from House: .7 miles

It's hard to believe that Hop Teeth IPA has been around for six months already. Though there are already seventy-two newer IPAs brewed within the same city mile, I still reach for this simple and rustic beer whenever I'm in the mood to taste my own bile. The first sip really highlights a bright front that will bring up summer memories if most of your summer memories involve putting D batteries against your tongue. The fuller body of Hop Teeth leaves a refreshing metallic hint on your pallet, as though you just shoved an entire catalytic converter in your mouth. The beer tastes so much like copper that some hillbilly in a Dodge truck tried to scrap it. That's a joke. Ultimately, this wonderful beer tastes the way a concussion feels.

American Hopper Brewery was founded seven days ago and their introductory IPA is already trending. The first thing that caught my eye was the color--a dark maple that resembles the sludgewater that builds up in abandoned tires on the side of the highway. Upon drinking, American Hopper IPA starts with an upfront citrus bite not unlike orange juice left in your car over the weekend before ending with a bitter finish that's like eating a whole bunch of Sour Patch Kids all at once but without any of the fun. My mouth was one giant canker sore before I finished the pint, but I really enjoyed the rustic patriotic brand that this brewery is going for.

Mountain Edge Brewery has only released one beer so far and it was mostly foam and listeria, but their stylish, rustic flannel show that they have what it takes to create a great IPA. The color is most similar to urine after a diet of beets and about six or seven punches square to the kidney, and the beer tastes like it's given you a bloody nose or at least makes you think that you have one. It's a complex feeling that's hard to explain, but it's the same taste that a meat packing plant puts in the night air. It reminds me of home. I also enjoy the rustic name Mountain Edge despite there being zero mountains within three states.

I don't know how this got mixed in, but I thought I'd put it in. The drink had the white appearance of almond milk and the taste was smooth and a bit sweet, again, similar to almond milk. Also, it was almond milk.

The wizards at Hopxecution have done it again, this time with an experimental Double IPA where all hops have been replaced with another IPA and then brewed again. Though dark in color, it somehow tastes like you mixed salt water with the crusted toothpaste that collects the rim of your bathroom sink. If you've ever wanted to put Vaseline in a Sodastream, this is your beer! If I had one suggestion, the experience could use a more rustic branding. Overall, another boundary pushing beer from the people over at Hopxecution Brewery. It makes you wonder what wonderful beers my children will make once they finish high school.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)