The Wedding Promise
A Declaration of COMPLETE FEAR over a CHANGING WORLD
THY WILL BE DONE.Faithful monogamy is the cornerstone of reasonable society -- as proven by several Bob Jones University texts, megachurch P.R. agents, and Dave Berg of MAD Magazine's "The Lighter Side of..." section. Studies have proven that, without the concept of marriage, the Earth would spin off of its axis, leaving its inhabitants to live out the rest of their lives uncomfortably baking in the sun's harsh space fires.
Indeed, the existence of marriage protects our youth, upholds dad law, keeps airplanes in the sky, and sedates the little man in your refrigerator so he cannot tear open your windpipe when you open the door. And yet many would deny a world of mothers and daughters, brothers and uncles, dads and grads, as well as grand-dads and dad-grads. Without a doubt, it is almost "games over" for the institute of marriage:
- Not to get off topic here or anything but: slavery. Seriously? Anyone know when that's coming back? Can I get an amen? An authentic report has proven that an African-American family born into those quaint plantation days of yore are 38% happier than they would be in a nightmarish future with one of their own as President of the United States. Let's all pitch in and get slavery back together.
- And another thing about black people -- No. You know what? I've got a lot of these to write today and I really need to save my "A" material.
- Our frail women and children, who must be secreted away from the horrors the lamestream media refers to as "reality," suffer most from the debasement of history's most reliable means of transferring females from owner to owner. This debasement stems from societal causes such as casual spooning, Glee parties, co-ed mass transit, and the anti-scientific bias which holds, in the complete absence of scientific proof, that gay penguins can be born in captivity.
- We really need to do something about all of the black people.
The Candidate Vow
Therefore, should I become the legally elected representative of a trusting populace, for the sake of my beloved constituents and private sector blood buds, I vow to uphold the Christian moral standard through my:
- Ability to keep it "in" the family.
- Respect for the law of "If someone else's marriage is a -rockin', obey thy Sacred Covenant."
- Official fidelity to the U.S. Constitution; I vow to memorize it phonetically, and not look for the "meaning" put there as a trick by Satan.
- Vigorous opposition of any redefinition of the word "marriage." For instance, if my overtired friend were to say "Wow. So happy it's the weekend. Sometime I feel like I'm married to my job." In this case I would ask him to rephrase his sinful metaphor, unless his job has anthropomorphized into the form of a human female. If the latter happens, I would check my Bible as it is surely End Times.
- Recognition of the fact that married people live happier, healthier lives, and die of natural causes, instead of being dragged behind a pickup truck or drowned in the well behind the abandoned middle school on Harper Street.
- Giving battered wives a chance to "cool down" with the "Put Some Ice on that, Sister" program, designed to prevent "speedy divorces," made famous by popular tween fiction.
- Steadfast embrace of an Amendment to the U.S. Constitution that would send anyone not wed by the age of 22 to special "marriage camps" that operate outside the oppressive bounds of the Geneva Conventions.
- Protection of women and their moist loinfruits from intimacy thieves and innocence brigands.
- Support of our troops through the requirement of an eight-foot "friendship distance" between each of our brave fighting men in all intimate situations, excluding combat.
- Rejection of Sharia Islam and all other forms of totalitarian control, especially the Secret Muslimism espoused by certain current U.S. Presidents.
- Recognition that a woman who is not pregnant or recovering from pregnancy for at least 90% of the year will very likely find a path to escape.
- Commitment to the dissolution of the burdensome U.S. government in favor of a god-king who will protect us against our heathen enemies with powerful magicks.
- Fierce defense of the First Amendment protection against haters; specifically, those who've been sippin' that Haterade in regards to faithful heterosexual marriage.
The Vow of Civic, Religious, Lay, Business, and Social Leaders
We the undersigned do solemnly vow that any elected official who does not abide by the terms listed above will not receive our recognition, even if we are walking down a very long hallway towards them, all while keeping in mind the amount of discomfort that sort of social situation would bring. We also promise to remain faithful to the contents of this document and also our wives, time permitting.
Help us out here, God.
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– The Family Institute of Love and Togetherness