New Gameplay Modes!

  • Spawndeath - Unemployed Modern Warfare fans throughout the most terrible parts of the globe love the frantic, exciting pace of deathmatch, but we believe we can improve on DM's core strengths. In the all new game mode "Spawndeath," characters will automatically be killed upon spawning in the map, immediately followed by a prerecorded voice shouting "LOL U FUCKEN NIGGER KIKE FAG" at them.
  • Team BitchMatch - Instead of rewarding points for kills or captured points, team success will be based on the amount of arguing and name calling team members engage in.
  • Crying Infant Showdown - MW3 servers will monitor the volume of players' headset microphones and provide points to the individuals with the loudest shrieking baby in the background. Occasionally bonus points will be given for two unrelated people arguing about shopping, angry grandparents asking if the player "knows what time it is," and random crashing sounds that resemble a UFO colliding with a metal storage shelf.
  • Coolest Dude Left Standing - One second after the match begins, every player instantly dies except the person with the highest level character. That player is rewarded with a giant flashing text message reading, "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO EVERY OTHER PERSON HERE!" All other players see a text message which says "DEEP INSIDE, THAT OTHER GUY LEADS A VERY UNFULFILLING LIFE."
  • Scrabble! - To counter accusations the Modern Warfare series is nothing but braindead, twitch-based war pornography, users will now be able to challenge their friends in an intellectual game of Scrabble. First player to shoot the board wins.

New Features!

  • More positive reinforcement - On average, a MW3 player is awarded with the "heavy metal guitar sound riff of wonderful accomplishment" every three seconds. We've reduced this in half by offering additional menial achievements for skills such as "walking forward," "looking in into the ground and then looking into the sky," and "letting bullets hit you."
  • Elimination of all teamwork - We thought we had successfully eliminated all traces of teamwork in MW3, but some furious players claim there are still ways to inadvertently help other players on your squad. With our DLC's upcoming changes, any player who does something that manages to benefit another player on their team will be instantly kicked from the server. Repeated team helpers will be threatened with a lifelong ban from all MW3 servers.
  • Better spawn locations - There's nothing more aggravating than spawning directly in front of an enemy who has camped behind that point, waiting to slaughter you. Changes to the game code will now result in you spawning behind that camping enemy! Unfortunately, that location will probably cause you to fall off the map into an endless void, but we feel this helps realistically illustrate the horrors of war.
  • Increased the rank level cap - Players will now be able to reach a rank of 50,000,000, bestowing them the title of "Jesus Christ With a Gun." Any individual who accomplishes this will additionally have their information given to the nearest psychiatric hospital.
  • Additional narcotics-based dogtags - Marijuana-based dogtags are such an overwhelming hit, our team has gone an extra step and created a brand new line of tags for various other popular drugs such as ecstasy, meth, bathwater salts, and that Mexican cough syrup that makes you feel really awesome 10 minutes before you go blind and die.
  • A new Call of Duty: Elite logo - Some users have complained the current one resembles an image ripped from a Geocities Quake 2 clan site, so we had our artists go back and tweak the design by adding 50 more Photoshop effects, including 12 lens flares and rotating_wireframe_skull.gif.
  • Better DLC integration - Many users have contacted us saying "we love MW3 but it's too hard to give your company a bunch of money to buy things. Can you make it easier please please please?" Well we've answered your prayers and have seamlessly combined in-game purchasing! By associating a valid credit card with your gamertag, you will now be able to purchase exciting new killstreaks, weapons, and bonuses at any point in your game! And before anybody complains about our plans to charge 10 cents per bullet, please keep in mind you can buy them in bulk for over 40% off!

Thanks for the exclusive information, Robert! We here at Something Awful look forward to playing this amazing new DLC package, right after our mail order of bulk Adderall arrives!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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