Dear Apple,

I have always been a fan of your iPod music player thanks to its stylish design and easy to use interface. To be honest those were the only features of the product I had considered noteworthy, so I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when I was shot while listening to the soothing cacophony of the Chipmunks' Christmas Album.

A young man across the street had whistled to get my attention, and I actually heard him over the music on my iPod. Upon turning toward him, he fired a round directly into my center mass. I was stunned. I couldn't believe that I had actually heard him!

Your design team should be commended for creating earbuds that not only reproduce my favorite music in crystal clear quality, but also make it possible to pick up on ambient sounds. Maybe you should advertise this fascinating and downright useful feature.

Make mine Apple!

Percy Van Pelt

Dear Remington,

As one of your bullets eased its way into my abdomen and ricocheted off the underside of my lowest rib, lodging itself between my 10th and 11th vertebrae, I couldn't help but smile to myself. Only a soft point 44 Remington Magnum round could tear through so much flesh and muscle without shredding my insides in a messily expanding mushroom like those other brands.

Although I was instantly paralyzed from the chest down, I could somehow feel the sudden intake of hot air trail the bullet along my perfectly smooth gaping wound with ease and play against my spinal column. It was like art and poetry all rolled into one, then shot into my torso. I shudder to think what the experience would have been like with a soft point round from one of your competitors. Well, I shudder from the armpits up.

Kudos to you for making quality ammunition. From now on I'll recommend that my friends only get shot with your products.

Percy Van Pelt

Dear Pella Glass,

Collapsing backwards through a large storefront window made of your quality glass was like dropping onto a soft bed after a hard day's work.

The glass didn't buckle or splinter, it shattered fantastically like something out of a Hollywood movie. The shards were superbly large and jagged, and they flew in all sorts of crazy directions. I'm sure it was quite a sight! It's good to know some companies still care about the little details.

One of the larger pieces (roughly the size and shape of a boomerang) managed to impale itself into the back of my left shoulder as I fell, and although the protruding half of that particular piece slammed against the ground as the top held fast against my shoulderblade, it didn't break! Now that's some strong glass. I must have looked ridiculous with one shoulder raised almost a foot above the ground as the rest of my body lay limp and helpless, but I suppose that's the price you pay for fine craftsmanship.

Keep up the good work!

Percy Van Pelt

Dear Dunkin' Donuts,

I commend you for keeping your coffee fresh and scalding hot.

When I fell through the display window of one of your fine establishments, the commotion caused several vats of your delicious roasted blend (I never realized how large they were!) to wobble towards the edge of the counter above me. There they tipped in an agonizingly slow arc before finally depositing all of their excruciatingly hot contents upon my face and arms, which happened to be the only parts I could still feel after succumbing to a partial paralysis.

I have always enjoyed your coffee, and often marveled at its fine taste and perfect temperature. You obviously take great pains to keep that coffee piping hot, and it's very much appreciated.

Percy Van Pelt

Dear Dr Martens boots,

Your steel-toed boots are really something else!

When the young man who shot me calmly approached my crumpled and sizzling form and attempted to take my iPod, I instinctively held onto it tightly. The swift kicks to my forehead that followed (I could only count the first three before I went into some sort of seizure) were devastating to my skull but they didn't appear to give my attacker any discomfort. When he stopped kicking and attempted to pry the iPod from my hand once more I was able to read his boots' brand name, which of course was Dr Martens. At that moment I made a mental note to buy a pair of your boots for myself if I was ever able to walk again.

Apparently my seizure had caused the hand holding the iPod to involuntarily clamp down, as I was soon treated to a fresh round of blows to the face. I could feel a chunk of bone behind my eyebrow snap off, but despite such terrible damage on my end my attacker's toes did not grow sore and his last kick was every bit as enthusiastic as the first.

I meant to ask him how comfortable his boots were as he dragged me into the middle of the street, but all I could manage was a "Blugh blugh blugh?" as blood and what I can only describe as fragments of my nasal passage sputtered from my seared lips. Judging from his smile as he pocketed my mp3 player and jogged to the safety of the sidewalk, I'd say they were pretty darn comfortable.

Percy Van Pelt

Dear AC Delco,

After six blocks and one detour through a parking lot littered with speedbumps, the driver of the car I was pinned beneath realized he was dragging something. Upon applying his AC Delco brakes his car immediately stopped, launching me on a fifty yard slide across a "T" intersection where I tumbled over a curb and effortlessly continued under the chain link fence surrounding the town's lemon juice reservoir pool, which I of course fell into. Sometimes I wonder why our town even built that place when we don't have a water reservoir, but that's beside the point.

I was very impressed by the stopping power of your brakes. Any other brake would have produced a less sudden stop that would have sent me skimming across the asphalt at half the speed and distance, but you're not any other brake company. You're the best.

It's good to know someone's out there thinking of our safety. If I am ever able to regrow enough skin to sit in my car and hold the steering wheel without emitting enough puss to instantly dehydrate my entire body, I won't go anywhere without your brakes.

Percy Van Pelt

Dear Aflack Health Insurance,

Oh, you lousy fucks.

Percy Van Pelt

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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