SkyMall Product Reviews: FaceTrainer by no!no!

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

Get a natural looking lift and look years younger with FaceTrainer, the only fitness device that applies the proven principals of resistance training to facial muscles.

Customer Review:
By Gerald from Birmingham, AL

I am a male best described as "pleasantly plump" and worst described as "hefty sack full of refried beans and ranch dressing" (doctor's words, not mine). I felt like this would do wonders for helping me shed all these extra pounds, so I bought one. After straining for several hours, I was able to get the FaceTrainer around my face. Unfortunately, I have not been able to remove it, and it's cutting off circulation to the part of my face extruding through the front opening. That part is turning dark blue and is starting to smell. It is very hard to eat and I've taken to feeding myself mushed, watered-down pizza with a funnel. Thankfully I've long since outgrown the need to chew, so the FaceTrainer is not impeding my ability swallow.

I am excited to get this thing off so I can finally see the good progress it's made on making me look younger and more attractive.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By Arlene St. Cobb from Franklin, TN

Pros: None whatsoever

Cons: Too numerous to list.

I absolutely adore my FaceTrainer! It's making me positively miserable and doing permanent damage to my face, squishing it into some contorted thing from nightmares. I just wish they made a version with no face-hole.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Rating:
By YoungAtHeart from Jerome, AZ

Wore this on a really hot day and my sweaty skin stuck to the mask. When I removed it, it took most of my flesh and hair off with it. I now have a disgusting blood-covered head with a few patches of flesh. I do not think this makes me look younger, but it doesn't make me look older. So I guess it balances out in the end. Three stars.

Age: 51-55

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Customer Review:
By Cleetus from Possum Yowl, KY

The opening part goes in the front, where your face parts are. If you put it on backwards to let your ponytail out, you will not be able to breathe. I lost consciousness and passed out in the backyard. Woke up with some dogs gnawing on my arm something fierce. Just a head's up since that wasn't made clear to me in the instructions. You'll need to add your own ponytail hole.

Age: 41-45

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Customer Review:
By Travis from Bonners Ferry, ID

Idiotic product for idiotic people. Putting your face in a mask isn't going to make you look younger. If you want to look younger, you have to use science, and science is crystals and magnets. Wake up me when you figure out a way to put my head in a crystal and bombard it with magnetic rays.

Get a brain, SkyMall.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Rating:
By Men's Rights Patriot from Elko, NV

I bought one of these for my unattractive wife WHO IS NOT AS PRETTY AS SHE WAS WHEN I MARRIED HER. I'm hoping this fixes that problem because I've tried about two dozen other SkyMall products, and nothing is restoring her beauty. If this doesn't work, I'm just going to buy one of those big King Tut cabinets and lock her in it and get me a new wife off the Internet. AND SHE WILL BE REALLY PRETTY.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Review:
By Duke from Gasp Lake, AR

I accidentally fell asleep with this on and when I woke up several days later, I realized I had made a horrible mistake. My face has regressed to that of a small baby, and I have no idea what to do. I can't go to work because nobody will take me seriously as an air condition repairman now. I will be the guy with the baby's face, like some awful Dick Tracy villain. Please, SkyMall, tell me you have a product that accelerates aging so I can end this hell and go back to being a normal human being.

PLEASE HELP

Age: 51-55

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Customer Review:
By Ivan from New York, NY

USELESS. You can get the same effect with lots and lots of tape. Just wrap your face good and tight with tape and you'll look younger. Get the clear kind, otherwise you look like a mummy. Mummies do not look young, everybody knows this.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By Bronze LEgs from Palm Springs, CA

WHO GAVE THIS TO MY WIFE? SHE DIDN OT BUY IT HERSELF AND I DON'T BUY HER THINGS. SKYMALL, PLEASE TELL ME WHO MY WIFE IS CHEATING ON ME WITH. EMAIL ME AT BRONZELEGS68@HOTMAIL.COM USE SUBJECT "MYSTERY MAn"

Age: 41-45

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)